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GcpightN? 



C2QElfRIGMT DEPOStr. 




I (Denhonis Royalty ^Iay:i (^ 



OWMaid6 

^anny Cannon 



'775'. XfenUon & Company 

^ublhher:^ • Chicago 

"Price SO Cent:^ 




Plays for Schools and Colleges 

AARON BOGGS. FRESHMAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy in S acts; 8 males, 8 
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AFTER THE GAME 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 2 acta; 1 male, 9 
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ALL A MISTAKE 

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ALL ON ACCOUNT OF POLLY 

By Harry L. Newton. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 10 
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AS A WOMAN THINKETH 

By Edith F. A. U. Palnton. Comedy in 8 acts; 9 males, 

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AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 14 fe- 
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THE CLASS SHIP 

By Edith F. A. U. Palnton. Commencement play- 
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CLUBBING A HUSBAND 

By Edith F. A. U. Palnton. Comedy in 3 acts; 12 fe- 
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By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 11 males, 10 
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THE GRADUATE'S CHOICE 

By Edith F. A, U. Palnton. Commencement playlet; 12 
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T. S. Denison & Companyi Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



OLD MAIDS 



OLD MAIDS /^^^ 

A Comedy in Three Acts 



BY 

Fanny Cannon 

AUTHOR OF 

'Writing and Selling a Play," "fF hat's in a Name?" 
"The Lady of the Opera House," "The Love 
Laggard," "The Man Who Found Him- 
self" ; co-author of "The Mark 
of the Beast," and 
"Meoiv!" 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



T'lease Read CarefulV/li 



eA 



% 




MATEURS may obtain permission to 
produce tliis play on payment of a fee of 
fifteen dollars ($15.00) for each perform- 
ance, in advance. Correspondence on 
tKis subject sKould be addressed to T. S. 
Denison & Company, 623 South Wabash Avenue, 
Chicago, 111. 

The professional acting rig,hts of this play, 
under whatever title performed, are fully pro- 
tected by the author's playri^ht and copyright, 
and all infring,ements of this playrig,ht and copy- 
right will be prosecuted by the author to the full 
extent of the law. Professionals must apply to 
the author, care of the Publishers. 
<:> <:> -v:> 

C/4ttention is called to the penalties provided 
by the Copyright Law of the United States of 
America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- 
ment of the owner's ri|,hts, as follows : 

Sec. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit 
shall infringe any copyrig,ht secured by this Act, or who 
shall knowingly and willfully aid or abet such infringement, 
shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon convic- 
tion thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not 
exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred 
dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in the 
discretion of the court. 

-<:> <:> <:> 

COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY FANNY CANNON. 

COPYRIGHT, 1921. BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 

CALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

©cm 59010 
«•«. ; JCT 29 1921 TMP92-008798 



OLD MAIDS 

For Five Men and Eight Women. 



CHARACTERS. 

Caselda Brown From New York 

Amanda Chase Her Aunt 

Alma Bellows Afraid of the Black List 

Mrs. Bemus No Old Maid, Thank Heaven! 

Miranda Purcell One of the Old Maids 

Abby Snyder Another 

Sarah Stone Still Another 

Emma Nelson And Another 

Christopher Bellows A Prosperous Farmer 

Jed Hopkins The Postmaster 

Henry Perkins The Village ''Catch'' 

William Bemus A Farmer 

Jasper Elwood From New York 



Place — Kipp's Falls, a smcdl town anywhere in the 
United States. 



Time — April of this year. 



Time of Playing — About txvo hours. 



Synopsis of Scenes. 

Act I. At the general store. About eleven in 
the morning. 

Act II. Same place as Act I. That evening. 

Act hi. Alma's home. Two weeks later, about 
eight in the evening. 

5 



OLD MAIDS 



GENERAL PROPERTIES. 

Act I — Pasteboard boxes supposed to contain 
merchandise (stocking boxes, corset boxes, etc.) for 
shelves. Pasteboard boxes for counter (spool boxes, 
pin boxes, etc.). All boxes may be empty except those 
from which are taken tlie pins, hairpins and spool 
sold to Alma. Various small articles of merchandise 
found in a "general store," to dress the counter and 
shelves. Dealers' display cards and hangers will also 
impart atmosphere. 

Act II — Large unbleached muslin cloth to cover 
counter. Two trays. Twelve glasses of lemonade. 

Act III — Flowers for vases. Magazines and 
books for table. Pictures on walls. 



PERSONAL PROPERTIES 

Jed — LT. S. mail sack, containing a newspaper in 
wrapper for Chris, another for jMrs. Bemus, and a 
short, typewritten letter for Amanda. Key to open 
P. O. door. 

AiNiANDA — Spectacles. Change to give Alma. 

Alma — Small shopping bag, to close witli (h-aw- 
string. Purse with money to give Amanda. 

Miranda — Large bundle, supposed to contain 
counterpane. 

Sarah, Emma and Abby — Each brings a package. 
They are of different sizes, and variously wrapped. 

Caselda — Wrist watch. 

Elwood — Suitcase for Third Act. 



OLD MAIDS 



Scene Plot. 



Acts I and II. 




j Door |- 



Interior Backing 



Sheives 



Counter 




Act III. 



Hat Stand 




^ WTable 
:?Dchair 



D Chair 



^ Door f 



Hallway Interior Backing 




STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; 7?. C, right 
center; L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper 
entrance; i?. 3 E., right entrance, up stage, etc.; 
up stage, away from f ootHghts ; down stage, near 
footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



OLD MAIDS 



The First Act. 

Scene: Inside the store and post office at Kipp's 
Falls, about 11 o'clock in the morning. A post 
office enclosure at right occupies most of the right 
wall space. A small wicket loindow is in the side 
facing the center of stage. Above this wicket is 
a sign reading, "United States Mail Post Office." 
The gate to this enclosure is on the down-stage 
side. A counter crosses the back of stage from 
about right center to a point close to the upper 
left corner. Back of the counter are some shelves. 
Various boxes, supposed to contain merchandise, 
are on the shelves. Curtains are drawn aside, later 
to cover shelves. On the counter are other boxes 
and sundry articles of notions. These should in- 
clude, for sale to Alma, a paper of pins, package 
of hairpiris and box of spools {white). A door in 
rear wall, leading to rest of house, is between this 
counter and the post office enclosure, up right 
center. In side wall up left there is a window with 
street backing. Muslin curtains are drawn back 
at either side. Below, near footlights, is the street 
door, glazed. A muslin curtain is drawn back 
from the glass. The door opens in and has a bell 
which tinkles zchenever it is opened in this act. 
All the male characters keep their hats on their heads 
in this act, except as otherwise indicated. 

The stage is empty when the curtain rises. The jjost 
office wicket is closed. Rear door opens and Aunt 
Amanda Chase enters. She is a sweet looking 
9 



10 OLD MAIDS 



woman of sixty. Her dress is plain and old-fash- 
ioned. She wears a large white apron. Her gray 
hair is parted and pinned in a tight knob at the 
bach of her head. She wears old-fashioned steel 
spectacles on the end of her nose, looking at people 
over the top of them. She comes on, looking 
toivard, door to the street. As she enters a small 
group of people can be seen passing the window, 
and then the door opens. 

Enter Jed Hopkins, postmaster, with a U. S. mail 
sack, very flat and appearing to be practically 
empty. He is about fifty, the typical village post- 
master in an agricultural community; carelessly 
dressed, with an old straw hat on the back of his 
head. 

He is followed by some of the villagers, all talking 
at once: Mrs. Bemus, ^Iiranda Puecell, Sauah 
Stone, Emma Nelson and Abby Snyder. Mrs. 
Bemus, plump and well pleased with herself, is 
dressed in bonnet and thin shard. (Note: All the 
dresses and men's clothes should, be of slightly ex- 
aggerated style, old-fashioned and ill-fitting, to 
mark the contrast with Caselda's modern dress. 
At the same time the exaggeration is too slight 
to tend to the absurd or grotesque.) The other 
four women are xmrious character types. If pos- 
sible they shoidd be well contrasted in appearance : 
IMiRANDA, tall, thin, viiiegary: Sarah, medium 
height, phlegmatic and rather dull; Emma, short, 
gray-haired, szoeet and placid; Abby, sentimental, 
coy, with some attempt at adornment. 

Aunt Amanda. 
{To Jed.) 
Weren't the train late? 



OLD MAIDS 11 



Jfd. 
Weren't never on time. (Crosses to P. 0. enclos- 
ure, unlocks the door and enters, closing it behind 

him.) . . 

^ Aunt Amanda. 

{Affably to the others.) 

Good niornin'. ^, 

Miranda. 

Mornin', Mis' Chase. {The other three add their 

good mornings. Aunt Amanda goes up baclx of 

counter and looks over her stock.) Now, I s'pose 

he'll take all mornin' goin' over that batch. 

Sarah. 
{Sloidy and without malice.) 
My, 3^ou're impatient. Was you expectin' a letter.^ 
(Miranda looks daggers, but before she can speak 
Emma comes to the rescue quickly.) 

Emma. 
I wrote for that mail order catalogue I saw adver- 
tised last week in the Weekly Messenger. It oughter 

come soon. . 

Abby. 

{Who has been fluttering near the P. 0. window.) 

I think it's lots more excitin' to get a letter when 

you ain't expectin' it, don't you. Mis' Chase .^^ 

Aunt Amanda. 
I dunno. Sometimes they ain't jest what you like 
to git. {Rises and comes slowly around the counter.) 
But I do hope there's a letter for me today. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
{Eagerly.) 
Was you really lookin' for one.? {Enviously.) 
I only come to get Willyum's farm paper. He's alius 
terrible disappointed if it's late. 



12 OLD MAIDS 



(The little window in the P. 0. is opened. All 
turn toward it, hut Jed comes out the little door into 
the store. He carries one letter and a paper.) 

Jed. 
Here's Willyum's paper, Mrs. Bemus. (He hands 
it to her. Then, with considerable curiosity, studies 
the envelope of the letter.) Mis' Chase, here's a letter 
for you — from Noo York. 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Eagerly.) 
Yes, yes, it's from my niece. 

(Jed hands it over as if hating to give it up. The 
others are much interested; Aunt Amanda, with ex- 
cited manner, pushes up her spectacles into position 
and opens the letter. It is short and typed on a busi- 
ness letterhead.) Emma 

(To the others.) 
Her niece ! In New York ! Oh, that must be Ca- 

selda! ,, 

Miranda. 

Why, of course — Caselda Brown. She went to 

school with us. I'd clean forgot all about her. 

Jed. 

Oh, yes. I remember now. Mandy's brother's 

^^i^^- Sarah. 

(Stolidly.) 
Must be twenty-five years since they went away. 

Miranda. 
Nigher thirty. And she was about ten when her 
father took her east. I know, 'cos I was jest two 
years older. ^bby. 

(Girlishly.) 
Wonder if she's married! 



OLD MAIDS 13 



Aunt Amanda. 
{Has -finished her letter and excitedly comes down. 
They turn to her expectantly.) 
She's comin' ! Caselda's comin' ! 

Emma. 
Comin' here? To KIpp's Falls.? 

Abby. 
{Giggling.) 
Is her husband comin' with her.? 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Looking at her letter.) 
No ; she ain't married. 

Mrs. Bemus. 

{Aside to Jed.) 

Land sakes ! Another old maid in Kipp's Falls ! 

(Jed shakes his head ominously.) 

Aunt Amanda. 

You see, after brother John died, I didn't hear 

much from Caselda. But I knew she was awful busy. 

Miranda. 
Busy! What doin'.? 

Aunt Amanda. 
Earnin' her livin' — in stores and places. Brother 
John never did 'mount to much as a money getter. 
But when my husband died last winter, I felt I just 
couldn't run things. I wrote to Caselda. I thought 
mebbe her store work would help her give me some 
advice. I dunno really why I wrote, 'ceptin' she was 
kin folks — all I had left. And she says in this letter 
that she is takin' a vacation and will come and look 
things over. 



14 OLD MAIDS 



Jed. 
( With masculine superiority, much amused.) 
What do jou think she can do? You need a man's 

^^^^^^- Aunt Amanda. 

{Abashed, speaks meekly.) 
Yes. But Caselda's kinfolks — and she alius wrote 
right pert letters, and I knew she was real smart. But 
this letter's kinder short. She don't say much. Slie 
says slie'll tell me all about it when she gets here. 

Miranda. 
When'll that be.? 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Referring again to letter.) 
Let's see. (Reads.) "It never takes me long to 
make up my mind, so I'm ready to leave now. I 
ought to be with you almost as soon as my letter. 
In fact, judging by recent experience with the mail, 
I may get there first. But don't bother to get ready 
for me ; I'll go to the hotel." 

Jed. 
(Grunting.) 
Humph ! What'd a lone woman be going to a hotel 

^^^' Miranda. 

(With a sniff.) 
Oh, she's likely one of these advanced females. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Well, well! I'm awful glad you're goin' to have 
comp'ny. Mis' Chase. I'll look in later to see her, if 
she does get in today. 

Jed. 
Ain't another train until evenin'. (He returns to 
P. 0. enclosure. Abby follows and talks to him in 
dumb shoxv through the windozv.) 



OLD MAIDS 15 



Aunt Amanda. 
That's so. But you never know 'bout Caselda. 
Mrs. Bemus. 
{Turning to the door.) 
Well, Willyum will be waitin', so I'd better hurry. 
Miranda. 
{Also turning to go.) 
As lonf^ as there ain't anything in the mail, I'll go 
'long with you. Comin', Sarah .^ 
Sarah. 
Might as well. (Mrs. Bemus, Miranda and Sarah 
exit, with general ''good mornings'' to the others.) 
Emma. 
Is there anything I can do, Mis' Chase .^ Anything 
you'd like me to bring over.^ 

Aunt Amanda. 
Thank you, Enmia, but I can't think of anything 

riffht now. t-. 

° Emma. 

Well, I'll stop in later. {Starts to go.) 

Abby. 

( Turning from window. ) 

Oh, everybody's gone. Wait a minute, Emma. 

{To At^nt Amanda.) Have those new hooks and 

eyes come in yet.^ . . 

^ ^ Aunt Amanda. 

No. I dunno why they're so long in comin'. I 
ordered 'em a week ago. 

Abby. 

Well, they may come by the next train. I'll be in 
again. Good-bye, Jed. 

(Jed grunts a good-bye from his cage. Abby fol- 
lows Emma, who is already in the doorway. They 
exit.) 



16 OLD MAIDS 



Aunt Amanda. 
{To Jed.) 
Guess I'll look at the spare room. Caselda ought 
to stop with me. I'll be right back. 

Jed. 
All right, Mis' Chase. Take your time. 
(Aunt Amanda exits through hack door, closing it 
after her.) 

Alma Bellows and Henry Perkins are seen 
through the glass of the street door. Alma pushes 
it open and enters, followed hy Henry. 

(Alma is a pretty, rather discontented looking 
young woman of about 25. Her dress is simple and 
unfashionable zvithout being absurd. She carries a 
bag, drawn together at the top by draw strings.) 

(Henry is a conceited and stupid young man of 
the same age, zcho looks somewhat ridiculous in his 
"store clothes.'* There is an awkward attempt at 
imitation of the city fop. His conceit has no other 
grotind than that of being the one young marriage- 
able male in the vicinity, which has brought him an 
undue amount of deference. He enters with a self- 
satisfied grin.) s,^^^^ 

{Petulantly.) 
Oh, I don't really suppose there is anything, but 
it's something to ask, anyway. 
Henry. 
{Fatuously.) 
Wait till I go away. Then you'll make 'em all 
jealous by the lots of letters you'll get. 
Alma. 
{Indifferently, as she walks to P. O. window.) 
But you never do go away. 



OLD MAIDS 17 



Henry. 

{Impervious to her tone of indifference, ivith a grin.) 
That shows how lucky you are. 
Alma, 
{Paying no attention to him.) 
Any mail, Jed? j 

{At window.) 
Mornin', Alma. I think there's a paper for your 

Alma. 
Never mind, then. Pa's coming in later. He'll 

^'^ '^' Jed. 

{Conversationally . ) 
How is your Pa this mornin'? 

Alma. 
{As she turns away.) 
Nothing's ever the matter with Pa. 

Jed. 
Mornin', Henry. Didn't see you before. 

Henry. 
Hullo, Jed. {Importantly.) Got anything for 

me? T 

Jed. 

{Without even turning to look.) 
Nope; never have had. Why don't you get a girl? 
Then mebbe someone'd write to you. 
Henry. 
{With a hilling look at Alma.) 
Oh, I'll get a girl who won't have to write to me. 
They's plenty of 'em in Kipp's Falls. Eh, Alma? 
Alma. 
{With a disdain he is unable to see.) 
Yes, lots. 

(Jed leaves the P. 0. window.) 



18 OLD MAIDS 



Henry. 

Coiiiin', now? . 

Alma. 

No, I want to speak to Mrs. Chase. You can go 

on, if jou like and come back again. 

Henry. 

( With a smirk.) 

Goin' to tell her 'bout us.^^ 

Alma. 

(Frowning.) 

P'raps. TT 

^ Henry. 

My, won't they all be s'prised! 

Alma. 

(Same indifferent manner.) 

Maybe. (Then remembers and tries to conceal her 

impatience and smiles.) All right. Hen. I'll see you 

later. 

Henry moves tozcard door. Aunt Amanda enters 

from hack. . . 

Aunt Amanda. 

Why, it's Alma. Was you waitin' for me.'* 

Mornin', Henry. ^-. 

-^ Henry. 

Mornin', Mis' Chase. 

Alma. 

(Going to her.) 

Yes, there are some things I wanted. 

Henry. 

Well, I guess I'll be goin'. S'long. (Without so 

much as touching his hat he eccits, street door.) 

(Aunt Amanda goes hack of the counter; Alma 

remains in front of it.) 

Alma. 

I'd like a package of hairpins. (At^nt Amanda 



OLD MAIDS 19 



takes a packet from the counter.) A spool of white 
cotton, number 60 (Aunt Amanda selects spool from 
spool box) and a paper of pins. That's all. (Aunt 
AisiANDA gets them and begins to wrap them into a 
package. Alma gets out her purse. She takes the 
package and hands Aunt Amanda a coin. She makes 
change and hands it to Alma. Alma puts package 
and change back in her bag.) 

Aunt Amanda. 
Have you heard the news.^ (She comes around in 
front of the counter.) 

Alma. 
{With some shoiv of interest.) 
No ; didn't know there ever was any. 
Aunt Amanda. 
{Happily.) 
Yes. My niece, Caselda Brown, Brother John's 
daughter, is coniin' for a visit — from New York. 
Alma. 
{Interested.) 
New York ! lAIy ! When ? 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Excitedly.) 
She'll be here today. 

Alma. 
{With keen interest.) 
Oh! What's she like.? 

Aunt Amanda. 
Dunno exactly. Haven't seen her since she went 
away. And she's never sent a picture. 

Alma. 
Since she went away ! Was she ever here — in 
Kipp's Falls? 



20 OLD MAIDS 



Aunt Amanda. 
My, yes. She was born here. 

Alma. 
(Puzzled.) 
Born here! But I don't remember her. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Oh, that was long before you was born. 

Alma. 
(Slowly.) 
Long — before — I — was — born ! Oh, then she's old 
— middle-aged. (Trying not to show her disap- 
pointment.) Is she coming alone? Is her husband 
coming with her? 

Aunt Amanda. 
She's comin' alone — 'cause she ain't married — not 

as I ever heard of. 

Alma. 

(Losing all interest.) 

Oh, an old maid, like all the rest of 'em. Well, 

I'm glad Vm not going to be one. 

Aunt Atvianda. 
Why, Alma! ^^^^^ 

( Without animation.) 
Oh, yes ; I'm going to be married. 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Excitedly, in marked contrast to Alma's manner.) 
Married! When? Who to? 

Alma. 
(Disgustedly.) 
Who is there in Kipp's Falls to get married to? 
Vve never seen but one man around this place. 



OLD MAIDS 21 



Aunt Amanda. 
(Shocked.) 
Oh, Alma! You ain't goln' to marry — Henry Per- 

^'"^- Alma. 

(Stubbornli/.) 
I am. Besides, why not.^ He's a man^and he'll 
save me from being an old maid in this town. 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Falterlngly.) 
Don't you — keer about him.^ 

Alma. 
Care! About Henry? (Short laugh.) As if any- 
one could care about Henry ! 

Aunt Amanda. 
Then why— j^^^^^ 

(Softening.) 
Mrs. Chase, you were awfully good to mother 
before she died, and always good to me. Don't think 
I'm brazen or bold. But I'd do anything — (defi- 
antly) anything — rather than be an old maid in 
Kipp's Falls! AtTNT Amanda. 

(Shocked.) 
Oh, Alma! And your father the richest man here. 

Alma. 

That's it. He's rich here. He wouldn't tliink of 

leaving. This is the one chance I've ever had. And 

I'm twenty-five already. In five years I'll be thirty. 

And I'll never have anyone else ask me — there isn't 

anyone else. And with so many old maids, I guess 

I'm lucky. 

Aunt Amanda. 

Oh, Alma ! 



22 OLD MAIDS 



Alma. 

(Brightening up.) 

Don't yoii worry about me, Mrs. Chase. I'll be all 

right. (Gives her a hasty kiss and hurries out 

through street door.) 

(Aunt Amanda is shaking her head. Jed, hearing 

the tinkle of the bell as Alma shuts the door, comes 

out from his enclosure.) 

Jed. 

Why, Mis' Chase! You look worried. 

AiTNT Amanda. 

Alma's goin' to git married. 

Jed. 

My, ain't that fine! Girls ought to git married. 

Aunt Amanda. 

Yes — but, Jed — it's — Henry. 

Jed. 

Oh, Henry's all right. He's a man, anyway. And 

a woman needs a man around. 

Aunt Amanda. 

(Not convinced, but yielding.) 

Yes, I s'pose so. (Looking toward the door.) 

Here's her father. ^ 

Jed. 

(Going back to the enclosure.) 

Guess he's come for his paper. (He goes inside.) 

The door opens and Christopher Bellows en- 
ters. He is a prosperous farmer of 1^8, and rather 
good looking, but appearing older than he is be- 
cause of careless dressing and an untrimmed beard. 

Chris. 
Morning, Mrs. Chase. How you feeling this fine 
day? 



OLD MAIDS 23 



Aunt Amanda. 

Mornin', Chris. I feel very well, thank you. 

Chris. 

That's good. (Jed comes out from the enclosure 

with a paper in its wrapper.) Morning, Jed. 

Jed. 

Mornin', Chris. Here's your paper. Came last 

mail. 

Chris. 

Thanks. (He takes it.) 

Aunt Amanda. 
Alma's just been tellin' me — 
Chris. 
{Pleasantly.) 
About her engagement? 

Aunt Amanda. 

Yes. Are you — pleased.^ 

Chris. 

(Good-naturedly, as he tears the wrapper from his 

paper.) 

Of course. Girls ought to get married. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Ye-es — I s'pose so. (Shaking her head as if not 
satisfied, she retires to her counter, then out the 
rear door, which she closes.) 

Jed. 
Mis' Chase is expectin' a visitor today. 
Chris. 
(Indifferently, looking at his paper.) 
Yes, so I've been told. Someone spoke of it as 
I was coming down the street. 

Jed. 
Do you remember Caselda.^^ 



24 OLD MAIDS 



Chris. 
{Looking up.) 
Perfectly. She was a smart kid. (Looking back 
at his paper again.) Used to see her around a lot 
before she went away. 

Henry enters from street door. 

Chris. 
(Having turned at sound of hell.) 
Hello, Henry. ^^^^^ 

Mornin', Mr. Bellows. Just been hearin' about 

Mis' Chase's old maid niece comin' to Kipp's Falls. 

Gosh a'mighty — what do we want another one here 

for? T 

Jed. 

We've sure got a lot of old hens 'round this place. 

Henry. 

Pore old things, I'm kinder sorry for 'em. And 

now another one. How old is she? 

Chris. 
(Folding up his paper, mentally calculating.) 
Oh, 'bout forty. I used to see licr around a lot. 

Henry. 
Forty! Good Lord! (Looking out.) Scat! Here 
comes tlic buncli ! 

(A murmur outside.) 

The door opens and Miranda enters, followed hy 
Sarah. Each carries a package. 

Miranda. 
Where's Mis' Chase? I brought over my new coun- 
terpane for the spare bed. I thought she'd need it, 
Sarah. 
Visitors always need extra things. 



OLD MAIDS 25 



The hell tinkles again with Abby's entrance, fol- 
lowed at once by Emma. Both carry packages. 

Abby. 

{Sniirking and simpering at sight of the men.) 

Oh, good morning, Mr. Bellows. 

Chris. 

{Shortly.) 

Good morninff. . 

^ Abby. 

Howdy, Henry. Henry. 

{Negligently.) 

Howdy. (Emma simply smiles at both and goes 

up to Miranda.) _-, 

Seen Mis' Chase yet? 

XT Miranda. 

Aunt Amanda enters from door rear. 

Miranda. 
Oil, here sh^ is. I brought over my counterpane. 
I thought you might need it. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Thank you, Miranda. {She greets the others, 
takes packages and puts them on counter.) 

Mrs. Bemus enters and joins the group. 
Henry. 
{Importantly.) 
Well, Mis' Chase, what do you think of our en- 
gagement ? 

{The women exclaim ^'engagement'' in various 
tones.) Abby. 

{Gushing.) 
You been gettin' engaged? Who is the lucky 
girl, Henry? 



26 OLD MAIDS 



Henry. 

(Blandhj.) 
Tlie lucky girl Is — Alma. 

Abby. 
Mercy ! Ain't it cxcitin' ! I dunno when we've had 
an engagement in Kipp's Falls. When is it to be? 
Chris. 
Oh, 'bout harvest time, I guess. No especial 
hurry, is there, Henry? 

Henry. 
We haven't decided yet. Here she comes. 
Alma enters from street door. She stops at see- 
ing the group looking at her. 
Abby. 
(Rushing up to her and giggling.) 
Oh, you lucky, lucky girl! 
Alma. 
(Feeling her superiority over the unattaehed fe- 
males, forgets Henry and thinks oidy'of her unique 
position. Smiles graciously.) 
Thanks, Miss Abby. 

(The others crowd forward.) 
Miranda. 
Congratulations. Though — (xmth a look at 
•Henry) I don't know what for! 
Sarah. 
Hope you'll be happ}-, Alma. 

Emma. 
I'm sure you will be. 

Ain't It fine! ^^^«- ^^^^s. 
(These lines are spoken almost simultaneously, 
giving a confused impression.) 



OLD MAIDS 27 



Emma. 
Goin' to have any bridesmaids? 

Alma. 
I don't know; haven't thought yet. 

Abby. 
Oh, but you ought! 

{Again the women all start talking at once, as 

follows :) ,^ 

Emma. 

Will you wear white.? 

Abby. 
Why of course ; don't be silly. 
Mrs. Bemus. 
Who you goin' to get to make it.? 

Sarah. 
Miss Pike, of course; who else is there? 

Miranda. 
She ain't never made a weddin' dress. 

Abby. 
It's time she began. 

(As before, this is more general than consecutive; 
that is, to each question several people answer at 
once, each in her own way. The foregoing is merely 
suggestive of the kind of talk it is. At this point 
it subsides to a whisper, giving the impression that 
the group is still talking it over.) 

Henry. 

(To the men, with a smirk.) 

I guess this is no place for us men. 

(He motions to Chris and they start to go out 
street door. They turn to say good-bye, but the 
group pays no attention; they exit. Jed goes to the 
P. 0., locks the door, crosses in front of the group 



28 OLD MAIDS 



and exits street door. He slams it^ grinning the 

"'^'^'■) Miranda. 

(Looking around.) 
Well, it's awful interestin', but I must be gettin' 

home. . . 

Aunt Amanda. 

Won't you come in and see Caselda a little while 
tonight. All of jou? 

Abby. 
( Pleased. ) 
'Deed, yes. I'll be glad to see her again, though 
it is a lonec time. „ 

" ii-MMA. 

Yes, of course I'll come. 'Bout what time? 

Aunt Amanda. 
Oh, 'bout eight, I guess. 

Sarah. 
I kin git here by eight. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Well, I dunno. There's Willyum. 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Hospitably.) 
Why, bring him along. {To Alma.) And you 
might bring Chris and Henry — if they'd like to 
come. A T >T A 

ALMA. 

{Reluctantly.) 
Oh, well, perhaps later. I'll have 'em call for me. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Perhaps I kin come without Willyum. He kin 
come when the other men folks do. 

Aunt Amanda. 
That'll be all right. 



OLD MAIDS 29 



Miranda. 
(With a sniff.) 
Yes, do let's have a little peace before the men get 
in and upset it. Abby. 

(Giggling.) 
Why, Mirandy, how you talk! 
Mrs. Bemus. 
Well, Willyum will be wantin' his lunch, so I'll 
look in tonight. Good-bye, Mis' Chase. 
Miranda. 
Good-bye, Mis' Chase. Comin', Sarah.'* 

Sarah. 
Yes, right away. Good-bye. (She nods to 
Aunt Amanda.) Abby. 

(To Alma.) 

Comin'.? . 

Alma. 

In a few minutes. But don't wait; I want to talk 
to Mrs. Chase a minute. 

(Miranda and Sarah follow Mrs. Bemus out 

through street door and Abby follows them, looking 

back at the door.) . 

Abby. 

I'll be so glad to see dear Caselda. Good-bye. 

(Exits.) 

(After the door closes Alma walks slowly to th^e 

window. Aunt Amanda begins to flutter around the 

shop, tidying up.) 

Alma. 

(Disconsolately .) 
And now there won't be a soul on the street for 
a good half hour. They're all going to have dinner. 
(Turning moodily back to the room.) Aunt Aman- 
da, was it always like this here, even when you were 



30 OLD MAIDS 



joung? Same hour for everybodj to eat, and go 
to bed, and go to church, and all that sort of thing? 

Aunt Amanda. 
I s'pose so, though I can't say I thought about it 
much. But it reminds me. Won't you stay and 
have a bite with me.'^ You seem kinder peaked and 
outer sorts. ^^^^^ 

(Brightening.) 

It would be nice. (She grows sullen again.) But 
there's Pa, and I've been late nearly every day. No, 
I guess I'd better be going. (She starts for the 
door.) 

(Caselda is seen through the window in a long 

dust cloak of modish cut, her face and hat covered 

with a heavy veil.) . 

'^ ^ Alma. 

Oh, here's somebody ; I don't know — 

The door opens and Caselda enters, lifting her 
veil and smiling. She turns to Aunt Amanda. 

(Caselda's appearance is that of the usual well 
groomed city woman of the day, xvhether married 
or single, who dares you to guess her age within 
ten years of accuracy. She looks between tzcenty- 
five and thirty, face and figure youthful and alert; 
there is no attempt at a striving for youth, as a cer- 
tain mature dignity tones doivn anything out of 
place. She is simply modern from crown to toe. 
Her whole personality radiates charm.) 

(Author's Note: As the youthful attractive- 
ness of Caselda is the dominating factor in the 
whole play, its keynote, in fact, it cannot he too 
strongly emphasized, that the part must be played 
by an actress naturally possessing those qualities. 



OLD MAIDS 31 



Granted a certain maturity of voice and manner, the 

role had much better be played by a dignified girl 

of twenty than by a plump and matronly woman of 

thirty.) ^ 

^ ^ Caselda. 

You dear, blessed Auntie. 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Almost squealing in her surprise.) 
Caselda Brown! It's little Caselda! (They rush 
into each other's arms. Alma is petrified. Aunt 
Amanda releases Caselda.) How on earth did you 
get here.? There ain't any train! (Caselda laughs 
as she begins to take off her gloves. Alma watches 
her with keen interest and some astonishment. This 
is a new kind of old maid.) But I'm forgettin' man- 
ners. (She turiis to Alma.) Caselda, this is Alma 
Bellows — Chris Bellows' daughter. 

Caselda. 
(Coming forward to Alma.) 
To think of your being Chris Bellows' little girl! 
(Turning toward her aujit and laughing.) Do you 
know, when I was about eight or nine, I used to think 
Chris Bellows was too wonderful for words ; he was 
so nearly grown-up and I felt so unimportant and — 
young. That was quite some time before you were 
even thought of — Alma, is it? (She slips off her coat. 
The dress underneath is plain, for traveling, but not 
too dark or severe, as it is worn in the next act.) 

Alma. 
(Almost shyly.) 
Yes; Alma. (And then, almost as if forced to 
speak, she blurts out.) And you are an old maid! I 
heard them say so. 



32 OLD MAIDS 



Caselda. 
(Surprised.) 
Old maid! Why — I suppose I am. I never 
thought of it that way, though. 
Alma. 
If you Hved here you wouldn't be allowed to think 
of it any other way. They even remembered your 
age — forty! (She says this as if forty were senil- 
'^ty-) Caselda. 

( Laughing. ) 
Yes, they would. And forty is right, though I 
imagine I'm nearer forty-one. There's a birthday 
lurking around the corner sometime this summer. 
Alma. 
(Has not taken her fascinated eyes off Caselda, 
speaks almost under her breath.) 
I wouldn't have believed it! 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Who has been fluttering around, folding Casel- 
da's coat preparatory to carrying it off, and gen- 
erally helping.) 

But you ain't said how you got here.^ 

Caselda. 
Oh, yes ; I started to tell you. 
Alma. 
(As if coming out of her trance.) 
Oh, you must excuse me ; Father will be waiting. 
I'm afraid I've been rude. 

Caselda. 
( Warmly. ) 
Oh, no! Alma. 

I'll be in tonight, Mrs. Chase. Good-bye. Good- 
bye, Miss — Caselda. (With a bright smile she exits.) 



OLD MAIDS 33 



Caselda. 
(Laughing.) 
Miss Caselda! Lord! I feel a hundred! 

Aunt Amanda. 
Yes; but how— Caselda. 

Oh, yes. It was a train breakdown and an auto- 
mobile trip and — I'll tell you all about it later. But 
I'm interested just this moment in that girl. Why 
was she so thunderstruck about my age? Surely I'm 
not the only forty-year-old woman in Kipp's Falls ! 
Aunt Amanda. 
(Laughing.) 
Deed you ain't. Why, there's Mirandy Purcell, 
and Sarah^ Stone, and Emma Nelson, and Abb}^ Sny- 
der, and Jessie Simpkins, and Mary Jane Rogers, 
and Helen Pike, and — 

Caselda. 

(Putting her hands to her ears.) 

Stop ! Stop ! Wait a minute ! I remember some of 

those names, of course. But why are you so glib 

about it.'^ Why, you don't even have to stop to re- 

member! j^^^^^ Amanda. 

No. You see we go over the list quite often. 

Caselda. 
We! The list! Who? What list? 
Aunt Amanda. 
Oh, all the old maids here. You see, sometimes 
the folks gets talkin' about how many there is, and 
it gits sort er discouragin' ! 

Caselda. 
All old maids ! And you have a list of them ! But 
that still does not account for that girl's astonish- 
ment. 



34 OLD MAIDS 



Aunt Amanda. 
Well, you see. (She looks admiringly at her.) 
They ain't exactly like you. The old maids in Kipp's 
Falls are — well — old maids. 

Caselda. 
(A light dawns on her.) 
I see! They look the part! 

Aunt Amanda. 

And there's so many that it's gettin' to be a kind 

of a joke. ^ 

Caselda. 

A joke, is it.^^ I wonder who it's on! 

Aunt Amanda. 

Caselda. 

Never mind. Tell me more about Chris Bellows' 

girl. She reminded me a little of a caged bird of 

some kind. 

Aunt Amanda. 

Well, you see this old maid thing has kinder got 

her upset a bit. ^ 

Caselda. 

Really.? Oh, I see. You mean she fears the worst. 

(Aunt Amanda does not quite see her humor.) I 

mean, she dreads the inevitable. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Well, she's about the only really young unmar- 
ried female here, and she's determined to get mar- 
ried. So she's gone and got engaged. 

Caselda. 
{Flippantly.) 
Oh, she did! Just like that! Well, it was enter- 
prising, anyhow, wasn't \i? 



OLD MAIDS 35 



Aunt Amanda. 
(Hesitates.) 
I dunno what it was^ exceptin' — well, Henry Per- 
kins. Oh, I guess I'm a foolish old woman — but — 

Caselda. 
Henry Perkins! He's since my time, I guess. 
What's the matter with him? A gay deceiver.? Gam- 
bler.? Fast.? 

Aunt Amanda. 

N-no ! I don't think Henry knows how to be any 

of them thinefs! ^ 

° Caselda. 

No, really? Then what's wrong? 

Aunt Amanda. 
Oh, he's just so no 'count. And Alma's just 
takin' him to keep from being an old maid. 

Caselda. 
{Giving a long, loiv whistle.) 
Whew! So that's it, is it? Afraid of a black list! 

Aunt Amanda. 

Black list ! 

Caselda. 

What else is it if it makes a pretty girl marry any 

old thing to keep from getting her name on that 

ghastly list of old maids you can reel off so glibly. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Well, that's how it is, anyway, and I'm kinder wor- 
ried 'bout the child. Won't you come to your room? 

Caselda. 
Yes. {She stops a moment to think.) Aunt 'Man- 
da, she said she'd see me later. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Yes, some of 'em's comin' in tonight. 



36 OLD MAIDS 



Caselda. 

{Her face lights up with an idea.) 

Toniffht ! 

Aunt Amanda. 

Why? Ain't it all right? 

Caselda. 
(Turning to folloiv her.) 
Yes, indeed. Perliaps by toniglit — (Aunt Amanda 
disappears through the door. Caselda picks up her 
hag to follow. Calls after her.) Aunt 'Manda. 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Off.) 

Yes. „ 

Caselda. 

{Going lip.) 

I think I'm going to enjoy my stay here. {At the 

door she turns and looks hack over the room so that 

her face is turned front as she speaks the next line.) 

And Kipp's Falls may receive a few thrills. 

{Exit as curtain falls.) 
Curtain. 



OLD MAIDS 



The Second Act. 

Scene: The same as Act I. That evening about 
half past seven. 

The street door is now fastened, with the bell dis- 
connected, so that all comers must knock. Cur- 
tains are drawn across all windows, also across 
store shelves. A cloth covers the counter. Chairs 
have been brought in and put around the room, 
enough for all the characters. Five of these are 
conveniently placed at right near the P. 0. en- 
closure, three up near the counter, three near the 
window and two near the street door. These 
chairs are not definitely grouped, but are xvhere 
they can be taken by the characters and drazni up 
to the groups in which they later seat themselves. 

At rise, Attnt Amanda is ^'fussing'' around, straight- 
ening things. She is ''dressed up'' to the extent 
of a fichu over a plain dress. Caselda is stand- 
ing near the P. 0. wicket looking at the P. 0. 
sign. She wears the same dress as in the first act, 
minus the hat and coat. 

Caselda. 
{Beading aloud.) 
United States Mail. Post Office. Is there ever 
much ill it, Auntie.? 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Smiling.) 
Not much. Mostly farm journals and mail order 
catalogues, I guess. (She puts a chair straight.) 

37 



38 OLD MAIDS 



Caselda. 
(Looking around.) 
Do you usually entertain in the store? 

Aunt Amanda. 

(Stopping and follozmng her glance.) 

It does seem queer, don't it? But, you see — well, 

truly, I ain't entertained before. And I thought this 

might be better — bigger, you know — if they all 

come. „ 

Laselda. 

(Thoughtfully.) 
M'm. I see. (Again she looks around at the bare- 
ness of the room.) Still, as background, I should 
say it was a hard place to be attractive in. 

Aunt Amanda. 
( Bewildered. ) 
Background ! Attractive ! 

Caselda. 
(Going to her and giving her a hug.) 
Never mind, dearie. Don't you bother. (Look- 
ing at her hair.) Auntie darling, why do you wear 
your hair like that? 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Putting her hand up.) 
My hair? I dunno. 

Caselda. 
(Giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.) 
You're a dear. I'll show you a new way tomor- 

AuNT Amanda. 
(Happy over all this affection.) 
All right, Caselda. I guess you can do most any- 
tliing you like. 



OLD MAIDS 39 



Caselda. 
(Looking down at her wrist watch.) 
I do hope Alma will manage to get here before the 
others — early enough for a good talk. 
Aunt Amanda. 
Well, when Bud came back with the answer to your 
note he said she'd come as quick as she could. 
Caselda. 
I was so afraid she'd tell about having seen me. 
And I've an idea buzzing in my head that I'd like to 
put to work — for the good of Kipp's Falls. 
Aunt Amanda. 
I guess she'll come early. There isn't much ex- 
citement. ^ 

Caselda. 

No, poor child. So she turns to the terrible 

^^"^-^* Aunt Amanda. 

(Shocked.) 
I never said he was terrible! 
Caselda. 
Same thing. Auntie. You intimated he was a bore, 
and I can think of few things more terrible. 
Aunt Amanda. 
(Smiling.) 
How you do go on. (There is a knock at the 

'^'""■•) Caselda. 

(Stage whisper.) 

Wait. Let me hide till we're sure it's Alma. (She 

goes up hack of counter, ready to slip out. Aunt 

Amanda goes to the door left and opens it.) 

Aunt Amanda. 

(Peering out.) 

Come right in, Alma. We was waitin' for you. 



40 OLD MAIDS 



Alma enters, almost breathless with excitement 
and interest. She has on a cloak or light wrap over 
her summer dress. The dress is simple and old-fash- 
ioned but light and becoming. She wears no hat. 

Alma. 
(Removing her cloak, which Aunt Amanda takes.) 
I thought I'd never get away. And I did so want 
to come. (Caselda comes down as Alma enters.) 

Caselda. 
Why, you're quite out of breath. I didn't mean 
for you to hurry like that. 

Alma. 

(Laughs a little.) 

Well, you see, I was so anxious to know what you 

wanted to tell me about — and it was so thrilHng to 

have a secret, you know — and I was so afraid Pa 

would say he would come with me. 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Taking Alma's cloak to the counter, where she puts 
it dozen.) 
Well, I'll leave you two to talk it over whilst I see 
about some lemonade. (Exits rear door.) 

Caselda. 

Do come and sit down. (They take chairs and 

draxv them together.) I was so interested to learn 

from Aunt Amanda that you are engaged to be 

married. . 

Alma. 

(All the bright excitement leaves her. She speaks 
listlessly and as if the change of subject were un- 
pleasant. ) 

Oh! That! Yes, I'm engaged. 



OLD MAIDS 41 



Caselda. 

( With the intention of drawing her out, speaks with 

pretended enthusiasm. ) 

And is he very grand — and wonderful — and all 

the rest of it? , 

Alma. 

(Amazed.) 

Grand! Wonderful! Oh, my goodness! (She 

laughs shortly.) 

(Pretending surprise.) 
Not grand and wonderful ! Oh, but I thought they 

always were ! 

Alma. 

Well, Henry isn't. He's just — oh, he's just Hen 

Perkins, the only young man in Kipp's Falls. 

Caselda. 

I see. 

Alma. 

(Bursting out suddenly.) 

No, you don't. You don't see at all. How could 

you! 

Caselda. 

I don't know. Try me and see. 

Alma. 
Were you ever an old maid — in a place like this? 

Caselda. 

( Heartily. ) 

Heaven forbid ! 

Alma. 

There ! You see ! ^ 

Caselda. 

I'm sorry. Perhaps I shouldn't have said it that 

way. Because it would seem to excuse you and — 

Henry — or any other man vou care so little about. 



42 OLD MAIDS 



Alma. 

(Surprised.) 

Does that need an excuse? 

Caselda. 

Yes. Oh, not for you. I think I get your point 

of view. But I mean there is no excuse for such a 

thing being necessary. 

Alma. 

(Looking down.) 
I suppose it's different — in places like New York. 

Caselda. 
Not necessarily New York — any large place. And 
can't you see why.^ The point of view is different, 
especially of women toward themselves. But — that 
comes later. Do you think the women are likely to 
get here before any of the men.'* 
Alma. 
You needn't worry about that. I don't think the 
men in this place are the least stirred up about meet- 
ing another old maid. (Shocked at herself as Ca- 
selda laughs.) Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't 
mean— Caselda. 

(Talking through her laughter.) 
Oh, don't mind me. So you think they won't be 

anxious to meet me. . 

Alma. 

(Trying to repair her rudeness.) 

Oh, I don't mean that. It's just — 

Caselda. 

I see. You mean that I'm no novelty, so they'll 

just meander in out of kindness to Aunt Amanda. 

Alma. 

Well, Pa's coming. But he had to wait for the 

train. He sajd he was expecting a man about busi- 



OLD MAIDS 43 



ness or something. I suppose some old codger about 

his farm. Lots of 'em come to see Pa.. I was so 

anxious to get here I didn't wait to hear much about 

this one. ^ 

Caselda. 

Then that will give me a chance to put my plan 

into effect. ^^^^ 

(Puzzled.) 
Your plan? 

(There is a knock at the door.) 

Caselda. 
You know them, dear; won't you see who it is.^ 
(She crosses to a point above the door where she 
cafmot be seen as it opens.) 

Alma. 

(Crossing to door.) 

All right. (She opens it.) Oh, come right in. 

Enter Miranda and Sarah. Thei/ are dressed up 
in their best clothes, but there is nothing grotesque 
or ridiculous about them, merely old-fashioned. Ca- 
selda comes forward smiling. The two women stop 
short and gaze at her in surprise. Caselda looks 
from one to the other, hesitates an instant, then 
holding out her hand, goes to Miranda. 

Caselda. 
Well, Miranda, has it been too long a time for 
you to remember me? 

Miranda. 
Caselda Brown ! It ain't possible ! 

Sarah. 

(Stolidly.) 

'Tis, too. Hello, Caselda. I'm Sarah Stone. 



44 OLD MAIDS 



Caselda. 
(Holding out her hand.) 
Sally Stone ! Why, Sally you used to wear two 
tight httle pig-tails. (Alma, who has been watching 
this scene imth great interest, laughs suddenly at the 
thought of Sarah in pig-tails.) Yes, she did, Alma. 
I used to pull them. It was such pretty hair, Sally. 
I remember that. g^^^^ 

(Looks pleased.) 
You did pull 'em. I'd clean forgot. 

Caselda. 
But I'm forgetting my manners. Do take your 
things off. Alma, we can put their hats on the coun- 
ter here till Auntie comes back. 

(There is a knock at the door. Miranda and 
Sarah remove their wraps and hats during the next 
speeches and put them on the counter, patting their 
hair in place and so on. Alma goes at once to the 
door and again Caselda waits, a little out of sights 
coming forward when she learns who it is.) 
Alma. 
(Opening door.) 
Why, it's Miss Emma. Come in. 
Enter Emma Nelson, followed by Abby Snyder. 
They are dressed about as the others. 
Alma. 
Oh, I didn't see you at first, Miss Abby. (Alma 
shuts the door and goes up stage to the counter as 
if to help the others, but watching proceedings.) 
Emma. 
(Holding out her hand.) 
I'd have known you anywhere, Caselda, though 
thirty 3^ears is a long time. 



OLD MAIDS 45 



Caselda. 

(Hesitating.) 

It's Emma, isn't it? Thirty years! Think of it! 

Emma. 

You don't look it. 

Abby. 

(Who has been gazing wide-eyed at her. Now she 
breaks into a giggle.) 
Look it ! Mercy me I And I'll bet you don't remem- 
ber me, though I do think I've changed less than the 

others. ^ 

Caselda. 

(Thinking a moment.) 

Why, let me see. You're the little girl (Abby 

simpers at thAs) who used to sit across the aisle in 

school and cut out rows and rows of paper dolls. 

Wait a second; it all comes back. (Miranda and 

Sarah all come dmon and listen xchile Alma holders 

around the group.) I know. You're Abby Snyder. 

Tlie boys had a little rhyme about you. How did 

it go? (The women look at each other. They have 

not thought of such things, for years. They look 

again at the fairy godmother who is calUng back 

their youth. Caselda holds up her forefinger to 

mark the rhythm as she recalls the doggerel verse.) 

Abby Snyder — take a spider — (she hesitates). 

Abby. 
(Eagerly.) 
I know — "put it on the seat beside her." 

Caselda. 
That's it. Abby Snyder— 

(The others join in except Alma, and in a sing- 
song manner continue in unison.) 

Take a spider, put it on the seat beside her. 



46 OLD MAIDS 



(All laugh like children. Caselda, laughing, 
turns toward Alma.) 

Alma. 
(Stage whisper to Caselda.) 
They don't seem like old maids a bit now. 
Caselda. 
(Motions silence.) 
Wait. (To Emma and Abby.) Do take off your 
hats. (Alma comes to help and takes hats and 
cloaks up to the counter. The women are all beam- 
ing and smiling.) Please sit down and let's talk. 
(All find chairs. Alma waits, standing.) Girls, 
under ordinary circumstances we'd have piles of 
things to talk about after all this time. But I've a 
plan and I want to tell you about it before we are 
interrupted by any of the men walking in. 
Abby. 
A plan ! How exciting ! 

Caselda. 
(Speaking quickly.) 
Well, it's like this. I'm an old maid, just like the 
rest of you. Only, I never thought about it until I 
arrived here. ^^^^^ 

(Sloidy.) 

You mean — you didn't think about being an old 

maid .'' ^ 

Caselda. 

Just that. But wait, let me explain quickly. 

Miranda. 
Yes, Sarah, don't go to interruptin' again. 

Caselda. 
The first news I had when I got here was about 
Alma. (Alma comes forward and stands near Cas- 



OLD MAIDS 47 



ELDA.) I found out that in Kipp's Falls I was only 
another old maid — {they look at each other) and 
that therefore the men would take no especial inter- 
est in my arrival. {She is much amused at this. 
Alma smiles admiringly at her.) I also found, which 
was to me very dreadful, that Alma was planning 
to marry a man she almost disliked, for the one and 
only reason that by so doing she would escape from 
this situation. {The others exchange serious glances^ 
with a shake of the head.) It struck me that some- 
thing was terribly wrong. 

Abby. 
Yes. But we can't all have husbands. There ain't 
enough of 'em — not here, anyway. 

Casei^da. 

{Rising.) 

I think that's one of the things which is wrong. 

Miranda. 
Not enough men.^^ 

Caselda. 
Not so much that as the idea that women should 
be punished for something they can't help, and made 
a joke of by men not fit to tie their shoes. {She 
speaks with rising indignation.) One would think 
they had themselves horn male by some special clev- 
erness of their own. 

Miranda. 
{Shocked.) 
Caselda ! „ 

li.MMA. 

I think I know what you mean. 

Caselda. 
I mean that it's up to us to refuse to he punished. 



48 OLD MAIDS 



Abby. 

( With a nervous giggle, rising.) 

You ain't suggestin' anythin' immoral, are you, 

Caselda ? ^^ 

Emma. 

(Reprovingly.) 

Caselda. 
Not unless it's immoral to make the very best you 
can of a bad bargain. 

Emma. 
(Rising.) 
You said you had a plan. 

Caselda. 
Yes. (Eagerly.) I think the men of this town 
need a lesson. Will you help me give it to them.^* 

All. 

(In various tones.) 

Yes. We'll try. ^, 

Caselda. 

All you'll have to do is to keep still. Don't give 

me away. None of them have seen me yet. So I'm 

going to live up to their comic valentine idea of 

another old maid in town. Will you all promise to 

keep the secret until I give 3"ou leave to speak? 

Miranda. 
( Rising. ) 
First excitement I've had in years. You can count 

°" "'^- Sarah. 

(Rising.) 

And on me. _, 

Caselda. 

Thanks, Sally. ^ 

Emma. 

Of course. You, too, Abby. 



OLD MAIDS 49 



Abby. 
(Tossmg her head.) 
Guess I can keep a secret as well as anybody. 

Caselda. 
All right, then. I'm going to my room and put 
part of my plan in operation. If anyone else ar- 
rives before I get back, remember, not a word. 

All. 

We promise. _ 

Caselda. 

Good ! I'll see 3^ou all later. Don't look too much 

surprised. (Laughing, she exits rear.) 

Alma. 
Isn't she wonderful ! 

Miranda. 
And I knoxv I'm only two years older. 

Abby. 
And I'm a year younger. How do you suppose 

she does it? 

Alma. 

I don't think she does it at all. She's just like 

that. 

Sarah. 

{Slowly, as if thinking it out.) 

Guess it's just 'cause she comes from a place too 

big to bother about you enough to wish things on 

you- 

Miranda. 
Sarah Stone! I do believe that's the longest sen- 
tence I ever heard you speak. 



Abby. 
(Giggling.) 
Sarah likes bein' called Sally. 



50 OLD MAIDS 



Sarah. 
(Stolidly.) 
Well, why not? They alius used to call me Sally. 

Emma. 
I don't know but she's right at that. 

Aunt Amanda enters at rear. 

Emma. 

It's all in the thinkin' and what you let others 

think. , . 

Aunt Amanda. 

Good evenin', everybody. (They turn.) 

Emma. 
Oh, Mis' Chase, I didn't hear you come in. 

Miranda. 
Good evenin', we've just seen Caselda. 

Sarah. 
She called me Sally. 

Abby. 
(Laughing.) 
And it's set her to talkin'. 

Aunt Amanda. 
She seems to me like a mighty fine girl. 
Miranda. 
(To Emma.) 
Imagine anyone callin' us girls. 

Sarah. 
Caselda did. Miranda. 

(To Amanda.) 
She said she had a plan. 

Aunt Amanda. 
(Smiling.) 
Yes. I been helpin' her. 



OLD MAIDS 51 



Alma. 
She said she was going to give 'em a lesson on old 
maids. (With a long breath.) Well, I don't think 
I'd mind being her kind of an old maid! (There is 
a loud knock at the street door.) 

Aunt Amanda. 
That may be Mrs. Bemus. I'll go. (She crosses 
to door and opens it.) Why no; it's Henry. Come 
right on in, Henry. We thought it might be Mrs. 

^^"^^«- Henry enters. 

Aunt Amanda. 
You see, you're the first man. 
(Henry looks around, grinning, then removes his 

^«*-) Henry. 

(Grandly.) 
'Evening, ladies. Your most devoted. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Let me take your hat. I'll put it back here. (He 
hands it to her and she takes it back to the counter.) 
I think I'll take all these things back to my settin' 
room. (She starts to gather up the various hats and 
cloaks. The other women, without much enthusiasm, 
nod a greeting at Henry from wherever they happen 
to be. Henry walks to Alma.) 

Alma. 
Hello, Henry. (Evading him.) Wait, Mrs. Chase, 
I'll help you. (Goes up and helps Aunt Amanda. 
They get the things together and both exit rear.) 

Miranda. 
(Seating herself, speaks casually, and as if to a 
child. ) 
Find a chair, Henry. 



52 OLD MAIDS 



randy ? 



Henry. 

(Sitting.) 

Where's the visitor? 

Emma. 

Dressin', I guess. 

Henry. 

(Complacently.) 

Dolling up to show us men what New York's like. 

Sarah. 
(Ignoring him; to Miranda.) 
Have you got that new crochet pattern yet, Mi- 

Miranda. 

Yes; got it this afternoon. (Sarah pulls her chair 
close and the two converse in dumb show.) 

Henry. 
(Quite unconscious he is being snubbed, addresses 
Abby.) 
Where's the otlier men ? 

Abby. 

(Pertly.) 
I dunno. Don't know as we need 'em, do we.^ 

Henry. 

(Still pleased, zvith himself.) 
Oh, yes. You couldn't get along without 'em. 

Emma. 
I wouldn't be too sure of that, Henry. 

Abby. 

(To Emma.) 

I found a new receipt for currant jam, Emma. 

Emma. 

Did you.^ Have you tried it.? 



OLD MAIDS 53 



Alma and Aunt Amanda re-enter. Emma and 
Abby converse in dumb show. 
Henry. 
(Rising and going to Alma.) 
Why didn't you wait for me to come for you? 
Alma. 
(Indifferently.) 
I didn't know you expected me to. 

Henry. 
Expected you! (To Aunt Amanda.) Now, Mis' 
Chase, I leave it to you. Ain't that the limit.? (To 
Alma.) Of course, you'd oughter wait. What are we 
engaged for, I'd like to know.? (Alma shrugs petu- 
lantly and turns away. Henry turns C. and com- 
placently surveys the chatting women who are pay- 
ing no attention. To Aunt Amanda in stage whis- 
per.) Where's the other old hens? 
Aunt Amanda. 
(Indignantly.) 
Henry ! Henry. 

(Honestly surprised.) 
Well, what's the matter? (A knock at the door. 
Aunt Amanda crosses and opens it.) 
Aunt Amanda. 
(Opening it.) 
Mrs. Bemus, we was wonderin' where you was. 
And Mr. Bemus. Do come in. Why, how do, Jed? 
Come right on in. 

Enter Mrs. Bemus, followed by Mr. Bemus. He 
is a farmer ''slicked up'" for the evening. Jed fol- 
lows them in. . a ...^» 
Aunt Amanda. 

Let me take your things. 



54 OLD MAIDS 



Mrs. Bemus. 

{Removing her wrap and hat and giving them to 

Aunt Amanda.) 

We met Jed as we came along. 

Bemus. 

Thought I might see Chris Bellows. Is he comin'.'^ 

{Hands his hat to Aunt Amanda.) 

Aunt Amanda. 

Yes, I guess he is. Here's Alma. She said he was 

comin' later. (Alma comes across to the group.) 

Jed. 

{Handing his hat to Aunt Amanda.) 

How do, Alma. And, of course, here's Henry. 

(Aunt Amanda takes things out at door rear. The 

four women rise and greet Mrs. Bemus. They merely 

nod at the two men.) 

Mrs. Bemus. 

{Anxiously.) 

Has she come yet.^^ . 

•^ Abby. 

{Eagerly.) 

Yes, indeed. She got here early. And you'd 

ouffht to see — 

^ Miranda. 

{Nudging her to keep silent. Speaks to Mrs. 

Bemus.) 

Yes. Slie's a very pleasant person. Just went to 

fix something. ,, ^ 

^ Mrs. Bemus. 

I tried to git here earlier, but Willyum wanted 

me to wait till he finished his paper. 

Emma. 

{Smiling.) 

Well, we didn't have husbands to keep us waitin', 

so we got here early. 



OLD MAIDS 55 



Mrs. Bemus. 
(Bridling up.) 
Oh, I ain't complainin' at havin' a husband; it's 
better than havin' none at all. 
Perhaps. ^mma. 

Aunt Amanda re-enters. The women converse in 
dumb show. 

Miranda. 
{Aside to Abby.) 
Don't tell Hitty Bemus anything. She'll be sure 
to tell that Willyum of hers. 
Abby. 
I wasn't goin' to tell. 

Miranda. 
Yes, you was, till I stopped you. I don't want 
this plan spoilt, whatever it is. {They join group. 
Knock at door.) ^^^^ Amanda. 

{Going to open it.) 
Oh, it's you, Chris. Willyum Benms was askin' 
for you. 

Enter Chris. He is followed by Jasper Elwood, 
a good-looking, well-groomed New York man of 
twenty-eight. All show interest and surprise at the 
sight of a stranger. ^ 

Evening, Mrs. Chase. I brought extra company 
along. Hope 3^ou don't mind. This is Jasper El- 
wood, who came to see me on business tonight. He 
said he'd met your niece. Miss Brown, in NeAV York, 
so I asked him to come. 

Aunt Amanda. 

I'm right glad you did. Glad to meet you, Mr. 
Elwood. Do let me have your hats. 



56 OLD MAIDS 



Elwood. 

Thanks, Mrs. Chase. {He and Chris hand her 

their hats.) . 

Aunt Amanda. 

You introduce him, Chris, whilst I take these. 

{She exits with hats rear door.) 

Chris. 
Ahna, come here. This is mj daughter, Jasper. 

Elwood. 
So glad to know you. Miss Bellows. {He shows 
real pleasure.) a^,c» 

'- ^ ALMA. 

{Fascinated, murmurs.) 
Glad to meet you, Mr. Elwood. 

Chris. 
This is Mrs. Bcmus and Mr. Bemus. {He indi- 
cated them in turn as they all acknowledge the in- 
troduction.) Miss Purcell, Miss Stone, Miss Nelson, 
Miss Snyder. This is Jed Hopkins, our postmaster, 
and this is Henry Perkins. 

Henry. 
{Coining up perkily and standing beside Al:\ia.) 
How do, Mr. Elwood. What do you think of 
Kipp's Falls .^ {He takes Alma's arm.) 

Alma. 
{Jerking away.) 
How can he tell when he didn't get here till after 

^""'-^^ Henry. 

{Winking, as one sport to another.) 
She pretends she don't like to be touched — in pub- 
lie, that is. A^^^ 

( Furious. ) 
Henry! {She turns up stage.) 



OLD MAIDS 57 



Henry. 
( Grinning. ) 
Ain't women the limit? Now, don't be mad, Alma. 
{He turns to follow her.) 

Chris. 
{Stopping him.) 
Oh, let her alone awhile, Henrj. {To Elwood.) 
You see, Henry and Alma — 
Alma. 
{Instantly interrupting.) 
Oh, we've known each other since we were children, 
Mr. Elwood. ^ 

I see. {He crosses to her. They talk.) 
Henry. 
{To Chris.) 
We'll, I'll be- Chris. 

{Langhs.) 
Oh, you'll get used to her. 
Henry. 
{Sulkily.) 
Mebbe — if I try hard enough. But I ain't goin' 
to let her make a fool outer me. 
Chris. 
Oh, no. I'm sure she won't try to do that. 
Henry. 
{Darkly.) 
Well, she'd better not. 

{He and Chris are down L. Alma is up R. C, 
talking with Elwood. Jed and Bemus, after their 
introduction to Elwood, drift up toward the win- 
dow, where they stand talking. The four ''old 
maids'* are grouped near the P. O. Mrs. Bf.mus, 



58 OLD MAIDS 



after Jed and Bemus go up, stands an instant near 
Alma and Elwood. All of these movements take 
place inconspicuously during the little scene between 
Henry a7id Chris. As Henry finishes his last line 
Mrs. Bemus comes to them.) 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Well, Henry, I been tellin' Willyum 'bout you and 
Alma. He was terrible pleased. 
Henry. 
{Brightens up.) 
Yes, Mr. Bemus is a good friend of mine. 
Mrs. Bemus. 
{To Chris.) 
And he likes Alma, too. It's so excitin' to have 
anyone engaged. It seems like years and years. 
Not since Nellie Smithkins married that drummer 
feller. You remember.'^ 

Chris. 
Yes. William wanted to see me, didn't he.^^ I'll 
find him now. {He goes up and joins Jed and Be- 
mus. As he reaches them the rear door opens.) 

Aunt Amanda enters. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Here's Caselda. {She seems excited, and, after 
this announcement, crosses down to the women near 
the P. O., where they stand watching developments.) 

Caselda comes in through the doorway and pauses 
an instant for the full effect to sink in. She is 
dressed as nearly as possible like the so-called ** typ- 
ical old maid,'' the chief feature of which, in this 
case, is her hair, now parted in the middle, dragged 
into a tight knot at the back with a high old-fash- 
ioned comb. She wears glasses. Just as her usual 



OLD MAIDS 59 



clothes are in marked contrast to the old-fashioned 
garments of Kipps Falls, so now her disguise is as 
grotesque in its contrast in the opposite direction. 
The nearer she looks like a comic valentine, the 
better.) Elwood. 

(Aside to Alma.) 

That's not— . 

Alma. 

Sh! ^ 

Caselda. 

(With a giggle and curtsy.) 

Good evening, everybody. (She looks around.) 

Mercy sakes ! See all the men. Oh, dear me! 

Elwood. 
(Going up to her.) 
How do you do, Miss Brown .^ 
Caselda. 
(Gasps, forgets herself and speaks in her natural 
voice.) 
Mr. Elwood! (Then she recovers.) My land! 
Think of your being way out here. However did you 
do it? (She frowns at him, aside. Grinning he re- 
turns to Alma.) Auntie, do introduce me to all of 
the men. I'm so scared ! (She speaks coyly.) 

(Aunt Amanda goes to her. They are near C. 
Alma and Elwood laugh quietly together as Alma 
explains in dumb show. The four women watch with 
much amusement hut remain in their places. Jed 
and Bemus exchange a glance of derision. Chris 
moves down and rejoins Henry and Mrs. Bemus.) 

Henry. 
(Aside to Chris and jNIrs. Bemus.) 
Another one of 'em ! 



60 • OLD MAIDS 



Chris. 

(Slowly.) 

Only worse! ^, _, 

IMrs. Uemus. 

From New York! Humph! (She sniffs.) 

Aunt Amanda. 
Caselda, here's our postmaster, Jed Hopkins. 

Caselda. 
(Rapturously.) 
The postmaster! (She clasps hands romantically.) 
Oh, to think of all the wonderful secrets passing- 
through jour hands, the fate of hundreds of lovers ! 

The dear creatures ! ^ 

Jed. 

(In matter-of-fact tones.) 

Two mails a day, east and west bound, 'bout five 

letters a week. Rest is all catalogues and papers. 

Caselda. 
(Disappointed.) 
Really? How sad. 

Aunt Amanda. 
And this is William Bemus. 

Caselda. 
(Gushing.) 
Oh, I know. You're a farmer. I can tell by your 
looks. How thrilling! 

Bemus. 

(Stolidly.) 

Thanky, ma'am. Lots of us hereabouts. Nothin' 

thrillin' 'iDout it. ,, 

[Mrs. Bemus. 

(To Chris.) 

]\Iv, ain't she silly ! 



OLD MAIDS 61 



Henry. 

(Knowingly.) 

Oh, she's just hke most females of her age. 

Aunt Amanda. 

(Coming down C.) 

And this is Mrs. Bemus. 

Caselda. 

Wife of that sweet farmer ! How interesting ! And 

liow nice for you. __ _. 

Mrs. Bemus. 

Yes. He's a good husband. 

Caselda. 

(Mock sadness.) 

Oh, to think of liaving a husband — all one's very 

own! Oh, dear! (She sighs.) 

Aunt Amanda. 

(Suppressing a desire to laugh at C'aselda.) 

This is Mr. Chris Bellows, Caselda. 

Caselda. 

(With a little squeal of joy.) 

Oh, really? Oh, oh! I remember yoii. Don't you 

remember poor little me, when I was a teentsy, 

weentsy girl? Oh, say you do I 

Chris. 

(Cold politeness.) 

Yes, ma'am. There was a little girl I remember. 

Caselda. 

(Pretended emotion, hand on heart.) 

Oh, I knew you would remember ; I felt it here. 

Aunt Amanda. 

And here's Henry Perkins. He's engaged to 

Alma. _ 

Chris. 

My daughter, you know. 



62 OLD MAIDS 



Caselda. 

{Long, solemn look at Henry till he grows rest- 
less under it. Then she speaks as if with breathless 
admiration.) 

Alma's fiance! To think of it. Just to think of it! 
Could anything be grander! Engaged to be married. 
Oh, you two dear things ! I must speak to Alma. 
Alma! {Turns and rushes up as if to embrace her. 
Puts her head down on Alma's shoulder as if over- 
come with emotion. Over Alma's shoulder she speaks, 
stage whisper, through her laughter, to Elwood.) 
You villain ! How dare you show up to spoil my 

party ! 

^ -^ Alma. 

They'll hear you ! 

Aunt Amanda. 

Caselda ! ^ 

Caselda. 

{Lifting her head, wiping her eyes, as if to dry 

tears.) 
Yes, Auntie. I'm so emotional, but I've recovered 
now. (Alma and, Elwood turn aside to hide amuse- 
ment. Caselda moves down to group of women, who 
have been watching with fascinated amusement. 
Aunt Amanda comes with her.) Well, girls! 

Henry. 
{Aside to Chris.) 
Girls! Can you beat that.^^ 

Caselda. 
{Continuing.) 
Isn't it nice to have a party? 

Abby. 
{Giggles, unable to control herself.) 
Oh, Caselda! 



OLD MAIDS 63 



Miranda. 
(Sternlt/.) 
Abb J Snyder! (Stage whisper.) Don't you dare 
spoil this show ! ^ 

Jl-MMA. 

(Trying to be natural.) 
Will you stay long in Kipp's Falls, Caselda? 

Caselda. 

( Gushingly. ) 

Oh, I could stay forever in this lovely place. (The 

women show amusement. Aunt Amai^da exits, rear, 

taking Sarah. Mrs. Bemus walks up and joins Jed 

and Bemus.) ^^^^^ 

(To Henry.) 
What gets me is that the women seem so all-fired 
amused. Henry. 

(Carelessly.) 
Oh, they're always interested in themselves. 

Chris. 
I didn't say interested; I said amused. 

Henry. 

You mean that they think she's funny .'^ Well, 
so do I. It's a joke. 

Chris. 
(Reflectively.) 

Yes. I wonder ! 

(Henry shrugs; this is too deep for him; crosses 
to Alma and Elwood. Aunt Amanda and Sarah 
return, each carrying a tray with glasses of lemon- 
ade, six glasses on each tray. They pass these 
around during the next scenes, taking care not to 
interrupt any important conversation. This is a 
matter for the stage-director. The empty trays are 



64 OLD MAIDS 



then left on the counter. Caselda does not take a 

^'«**-) Henry. 

(To Elwood.) 

So you have 'em in New York, too, just like here. 

Elwood. 

Have what? 

Henry. 

(Motioning to Caselda and the women, thumb 

over his shoulder.) 

Them. _^ 

Elwood. 

^^'I^^^- Henry. 

{Shrugging.) 
Oh, well, they're all alike. That's why Alma's so 
lucky. She ain't goin' to be an old maid. 

Elwood. 
{Looling meaningly at her.) 
No, I sliouldn't tliink she would. 

Caselda. 

{Up to them, tales Henry's arm.) 

Oh, dear JNIr. Perkins; your name is Perkins.^ 

Do come and talk to me. I'm sure the others won't 

mind. Will you, dear Alma.^ 

Alma. 

{Heartily.) 

Not a bit! 

Henry. 

{As Caselda draws him away.) 

What d'yer wanter talk about.? 

Caselda. 

Oh, most anything. I just dote on talking to you 

men. 

(Chris sidesteps her. He goes to tray and leaves 

his empty glass, then joins group of women.) 



OLD MAIDS 65 



Chris. 

(To Emma.) 

She doesn't seem natural to me. 

Emma. 

Why.? ^ 

•^ Chris. 

Oh, she's worse than anything we've got here. 

Miranda. 

(Tartly.) 

What d'you mean — "anything we've got here".? 

Chris. 

(Embarrassed.) 

Oh, you know what 1 mean. I mean — I never saw 

anvthinff like her. „ 

-^ ^ Emma. 

Not even in Kipp's Falls? That's something. 
Will you take this? (She hands him her glass. He 
takes it. Abby, zeith a self-conscious giggle, hands 
him hers, and Miranda puts hers inside Abby's. 
He carries these glasses hack to the tray, then re- 
turns to look questioningly at Emma, who has never 
ordered him around before.) 
Alma. 
(To Ei^w^ooD.) 
See Pa playing the gallant ! 
Elavood. 
They asked him to. I heard them. 
Alma. 
(Pleased.) 
Then it's working already. They've waked up. 

Caselda. 
(Has been holding Henry's arm, flirting with him, 
while he sulkily endures it. She draws him toward 
L.) Now do let's sit down. (She notices Jed.) 



66 OLD MAIDS 



Oh, dear Mr. Postmaster, won't you bring another 
chair? 

(She and Henry sit, Henry showing plainly his 
unwillingness. Jed reluctantly, with a look at the 
Bemuses, takes his glass up to the tray, then gets a 
chair and brings it to Caselda's other side.) 

Mrs. Bemus. 
{During this business and zchile Caselda and 

Henry are getting settled.) 
My, ain't she bold! 

Bemus. 
Oh, jest one o' them city hussies, I reckon. 
(Elwood, overhearing this, laughs aloud. All 
look at him.) Elwood. 

(Recovering himself.) 
Oh, I beg pardon. Just a little joke of Miss Bel- 
lows'. (Henry starts up.) 

Caselda. 
(Taking his arm and drawing hirn back. Speaks 
cooingly.) 
And are you a farmer, too, Mr. Perkins.'^ 

Jed. 
(Who has by now seated himself; speaks bluntly, 
but without a trace of sarcasm.) 
Takes brains to be a farmer. 

Caselda. 
(Innocently, to Henry.) 
And haven't you any brains.? 

Henry. 

(Angrily.) 
Who said so.? 



OLD MAIDS 67 



Caselda. 
(Motioning to Jed.) 
Why he did ! j^^ 

(Sticking by his brother man.) 

Did not. ^, 

Caselda. 

(Standing up, with a squeal of preterided fear.) 

Now, please, please don't quarrel over me. I really 

must run away if you do. 

(She flutters over to the group where Chris is. 

They all chat. Caselda's back is toward C. of 

stage. Henry and Jed glare after her, then at each 

other. They separate, Jed to join the Bemuses, 

Henry to join Elwood and Alma.) 

Henry. 
(To Alma.) 
See here, Alma, I didn't come here to be sassed by 
an old maid even if she did come from New York. 

(Caselda turns and seeing Henry again with 
Alma, grabs Abby and draws her down R. a little.) 

Caselda. 

(Stage whisper, her own tone of voice.) 

Get him away, Abby ; flirt with him — anything. 

Abby. 

(Dazed.) 

Who? Caselda. 

(Impatiently.) 
Henry, of course. Hurry ! I want Alma to have 
a chance with that new man. 
Abby. 

Caselda. 
Yes. Do go before he has a chance to tell him 



68 OLD MAIDS 



he's engaged to Alma. He brags abou*t it as if he 
wanted everyone to know the great favor he's done 

h*^'"- Abby. 

(With a giggle.) 

All right. 

{She goes to Henry. Caselda crosses to the 
Bemuses and Jed. As she approaches, Jed sidesteps 
to dodge her and crosses to Cheis, ivho joins him, 
leaving the group. Aunt Amanda follows Caselda.) 

Abby. 

{To Henry, during this business.) 

I forgot to ask jou, Henry; how's your Ma.^ 

Henry. 

( Tu rning, sulhil/j. ) 

Ain't notliin' the matter witli Ma. 

(Abby takes Henry's arm and draws him a little 
to one side, Keeping him talking. He puts his glass 
on the tray as they get up stage. They sit. All 
through the following scejies, as Abby and Henry" 
talk in dumb shozc, during any pause in the action 
he tries to get away from her and she grabs him 
again to start talking. The remaining actors hold- 
ing glasses can return them to the trays when they 
are not engaged in the dialogue and then return to 
their positions, in such a manner as not to disturb 
any action or dialogue, and yet with seeming nat- 
uralness and spontaneity.) 

(Alma and Elwood are note 7iear C. a7id hold the 
stage. For the time no one is watching them, llie 
group of women, all seated, are chatting. Chris and 
Jed are standing up stage. Mr. and Mrs. Bsmus, 
Caselda and Aunt Amanda sit up R., near window, 
Caselda apparently holding forth, Mrs. Bemus 



OLD MAIDS 69 



showing disapproval. Aunt Amanda amusementy and 
Mr. Bemus iiist looking stupid.) 
Alma. 
You knew her In New York.^ 

Elwood. 
Oh, yes. I've met her several times at the homes 
of different friends and at various parties — that sort 
of thing. She's very popular, you know ; goes about 

"^ ^^*- Alma. 

With men, too.? Elwood. 

{Laughing.) 
Of course. ^^^^^ 

And no one seems to mind her being an old maid.'^ 
El^vood. 

Never heard it mentioned, except to liear someone 
wonder how she had escaped so long. I always liked 
her. That's why I asked your father to bring me 
tonight. ^^^^^ 

But she's older than you are, isn't she? 

Elwood. 
Maybe. I don't know. Never thought about it. 
Alma. 
(Sighing.) 
Oh, dear ! Isn't that wonderful ! They think so 
much about ages here, especially a woman's. Why, 
when you get to be about thirty, they talk about it. 
They begin to expect you to dress and act a certain 
way — and, somehow, you do it. That's why she's 
dressed up like that. She said she wanted to show 
KIpp's Falls a thing or two. 
Elwood. 
She will. I'll bet on her. 



70 OLD MAIDS 



Alma. 
(Hesitatingly.) 
Is anybody — in love with her — in the city? 

Elwood. 
{Smiling.) 
Anybody? Everybody. {Seriously.) I know 
what you mean. One can only guess about it in a 
big place, you know. She's never been engaged, 
however, to my knowledge. But she's independent, 
has a good income, and doesn't seem to care. 

(Caselda rises and beckons to Aunt Amanda, who 
comes to her down L.) 

Caselda, 
{To Aunt Amanda, in her own tones, referring to 
Alma and Elwood.) 
You see, there are other men. 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Pleased.) 
Oh, wouldn't it be fine ! 

Caselda. 
{Positively.) 
It would. Suppose you attract Chris Bellows' at- 
tention to them. {She joins Alma and Elwood, C.) 
(Aunt Amanda crosses behind them to Chris and 
Jed. In dumb shori\ while the conversation continues, 
she is seen to attract Chris' attention to his daugh- 
ter. He looks at the couple zcith interest.) ' 

Caselda. 
{In her own tones, to Alma and Elwood.) 
Well, children, how am I doing? 

Elwood. 
I'll tell the world, Miss Brown, you're a wonder. 



OLD MAIDS 71 



Caselda. 
(Smiling.) 
That's something. Now, Alma, I think I'll talk 

to P^- Alma. 

(Gaihj.)^ 
All right. I dare you to flirt with him. 

Caselda. 
(Back to her assumed manner.) 
Dear me! Do you think I could .^ (She turns 
away. Alma and Elwood move slozdy down to the 
Bemuses. Caselda walks toward Bellows, as Aunt 
Amanda moves down to meet her. The two men 
continue to talk to each other.) You keep the post- 
master talking to you. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Yes, Caselda. (She turns back to Jed.) 

Caselda. 

(Coyly.) 

Mr. Bellows! ^ 

Chris. 

(Turning to her, hesitates, then comes forward.) 

^ ^^' Caselda. 

(Gushingly.) 
Isn't it thrilling, meeting again like this, after all 
these years.? ^^^^^^ 

(Non-commitally.) 
It has been a long time. 

Caselda. 
And — I'm quite wild about your daughter, Mr. 
S^"«ws. Chris. 



(Carelessly.) 
Alma.? She's all right. 



72 OLD MAIDS 

Caselda. 
And she's engaged — to that Perkins person? 

Chris. 

What's the matter with him? 

Caselda. 
{Incredulously.) 
Oh, do you Hke him ? I think he's quite too dread- 
ful. Oh, yes, really! ^^^^^ 

Indeed. ^ 

Caselda. 

{Confidentially, leaning closer.) 

I think Mr. Elwood is much nicer. 

Chris. 
Do you? {He looks toward Elwood and Alma.) 
I used to know his father. We were bunkies in Cuba ; 
Spanish- American War, you know. {He smiles.) 
Seems Hke a pleasant young man. 

Caselda. 
Oh he is. He's a very fine young man. 

Chris. 
You know him very well? 

Caselda. 
Oh, not very well, but I know about him. {Con- 
fidentially.) Do you know I think that — {motion- 
ing to them) — would be much more romantic — both 
good-looking and young, and all that, you know. 

Chris. 
( Frowning. ) 
She's engaged to Henry. 

Caselda. 
{Airily.) 
Oh, engagements can be broken. 



OLD MAIDS 73 



Chris. 
{Sternly.) 
We don't do it here. 

Caselda. 

No? Maybe you don't have many to break. 

(Aunt Amanda leaves Jed, who joins Henry and 

Abby.) 

Aunt Amanda. 

{Coming to Caselda.) 

What's broken? Caselda. 

Oh, we were speaking of Alma's engagement to 
that dreadful Henry Perkins. {She shrugs -flip- 
pantly.) But Mr. Bellows seems to think it's all 
right. {She turns up stage to the group where 
Henry is.) ^^^^ Amanda. 

{Pleased.) 
Is it broken.? ^hris. 

Say, what's the matter with you women.'' You 
act as if one could get engaged any day. I'm glad 
Alma's going to be married. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Yes, that's the trouble with this place; that's just 
Avhat Caselda said — {She stops suddenly, putting 
her hand over her mouth.) 

Chris. 
What did she say.? 

Aunt Amanda. 
{Hastily.) 
Oh, nothin' — nothin' at all. 

{The Bemttses come C. to her.) 
Bemus. 
We must be gettin' along, Mis' Chase — got to git 
up early this time o' year. Don't often stay up this 



74 OLD xMAIDS 



late — but the missus was determined to see your 

^^^^^- Mrs. Bemus. 

Ain't seen much of her ; she's been galHvantin' so 
with the men. Sh'd think she'd know, at her time o' 
life, 't ain't respectable. 

Aunt Amanda. 
Will you come while I git your things.^ 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Yes, Come, Willyum. 

{They go up and exit, rear door.) 

Chris. 
{Who has come down to Alma.) 
Hadn't 'we better be going .^ 
Elwood. 
I'll bring her along, Mr. Bellows, if it's all right. 

Chris. 
It's up to Henry. {He turns and exits rear door, 
after the Bemuses.) 

(Henry breaks away from Abby at last and comes 
down to Alma. Caselda notices this and follows 
them. She stands watching. Abby joins her friends. 
This other group, noting a disposition to break up 
the party, rise, chatting, and move up to the rear 
room, to get their things. Jed is last and remains 
in the rear doorway, half in, half out of the room.) 

Henry. 
{Angrily and aggressively.) 
Look here. Alma, you ain't treated me right at 
all, all evenin', and — {threateningly) — I don't have 



to stand it. Elwood. 

{To Alma.) 
What does he mean ? 



OLD MAIDS 75 



Alma. 

{Annoyed.) 

Oh, he thinks he has some rights over me, because 

I was silly enough to let him think I'd marry him. 

Elwood. 

Marry him! ^t 

•^ Henry. 

I Hke that! Silly to marry me! Well, I'll take 
you home and we'll talk this over. 
Elwood. 
I told Mr. Bellows I'd bring Miss Alma home. I'm 
spending the night there. 

Alma. 
{Pleased.) 

^h' Henry. 

{Truculently.) 
See here, you! Who're you, buttin' in like this 
where you ain't wanted? 

Alma. 
{Stamping her foot.) 
Henry Perkins! I won't have you talking like 
that. He isn't butting in — he's Pa's friend — {She 
looks at Elwood) — and mine. 

(Caselda, tmnoticed, looks pleased. Henry makes 
a move toward Elwood. Caselda grabs his arm and 
speaks, sweetly and coyly.) 

Caselda. 
Dear Mr. Perkins, Auntie and I have planned to 
have you take Miss Purcell and Miss Stone home. 
They live your way, don't they.? 
Henry. 
{Angrily.) 
I don't see what right anyone's got to figger my 



76 OLD MAIDS 



time or what I'll do. I'm goin.' {Swings around 
and goes to rear doorway.) 

Jed. 
{Mildly.) 
What's your hurry, Henry .^^ 
Henry. 
{Shoving by him.) 
Lemme 'lone. {Exits into rear room. Jed fol- 
lows him in.) Caselda. 

{In natural tones.) 
I'm beginning to be sorry for him. You see, he's 
only really what a place, with more women than men, 
has made him. j^^^^^ 

{Indifferently.) 
Oh, he's not suffering. 

Caselda. 
Oh, no, only in his vanity. But when vanity is 
all you've got, it can hurt a lot. 

( The people begin to come from rear room, Henry 
first, his hat already jammed down on his head. Alma 
and Elwood cross to R.) 

Caselda. 
{Sweetly, to Henry as he is moving to door.) 
I do hope you had a pleasant evening, Mr. Per- 
kins. And where are the ladies? 

Henry. 

{Not stopping.) 

Wait till I get a chance to talk this over with Mr. 

Bellows private. {Exits to street and slams door.) 

(Caselda laughs and turns to look at Alma and 

Elwood. The others come down, first the Bemuses, 

then Jed, all prepared for street. Aunt Amanda 



OLD MAIDS 77 



comes with them. General good-nights are exchanged^ 
and the Bemuses and Jed go to the door. The 
Bemuses exit.) Caselda. 

{As Jed starts to follow.) 
Oh, Mr. Hopkins. {He turns hack.) Don't you 
men ever wait to escort the ladies? {He looks sheep- 

''^^') Jed. 

{Turning his hat around in his hand.) 
Used ter. Kinder got out of the way of it. 

Caselda. 
Do walk home with Miss Purcell and Miss Stone. 
{Coyly.) It's such a romantic night. 

Jed 
{Shrugs.) 
'Tain't far. I don't mind. 

(Miranda and Sarah come down and shake hands 
with Caselda.) Caselda. 

{Aside to them.) 
Come in tomorrow afternoon. I want to talk to 

y^^* Miranda and Sarah. 

{Together.) 
All right. {They exit to street, followed by Jed.) 

Chris. 
{Shaking hands with Aunt Amanda.) 
I'm taking these ladies, if Alma's all right. 

Alma. 
{From across the room.) 
I'm all right, Pa. {She leaves Elwood and goes 
out at rear door. Elwood comes C.) 



78 OLD MAIDS 



Chris. 
(To Caselda.) 
Good night, Miss Brown. (To Emma and Abby.) 
Are you ready? ^^ 

Yes. Abby. 

(To Caselda, aside.) 
Did I do what you wanted? 
Caselda. 
You were fine. Come in tomorrow afternoon — tell 
Emma — I want to see you. 

• li. Abby. 

All right. 

(General good-nights, and Abby, Emma and Chris 

exity L. door.) ^ 

^ Elw^ood. 

Well, Caselda Brown, I'll say you put it over. 

Caselda. 
(Naturally.) 
Mercy ! But it's been a strain. Even my hair 
hurts. (She pulls out the pins and gives it a shake 
around her face; takes off her glasses.) 

Alma re-enters, rear, ivith her cloak. 

Why, Miss Brown. 

(Alma laughs. Elwoqd goes to her and helps her 
with the cloak. He shakes hands with Aunt Amanda.) 

Elwood. 
Good-night, Mrs. Chase. Good-night, Miss 
Brown. I'll see you before I go. 

Caselda. 
When will that be? 

Elwood. 
I'd planned to go tomorrow. 



OLD MAIDS 79 



Alma. 

(Disappointed.) 

Oh, must you? -^ 

^ Elwood. 

I'm afraid so. (They start to the door. He opens 

it and waits.) 

Alma. 

(Turns to Caselda and kisses her suddenly.) 

I think you're a dear ! 

Caselda. 
You sec, dear child, how foolish it is to jump to 
one conclusion, when — (a nod toward Elwood) — 
there are others ! 

(Alma and Elwood exit.) 

Caselda. 
Well, Auntie darling. Let's go to bed. (She 
hugs her.) A,,^^, Amanda. 

(Laughing.) 
Why, Caselda ! How you did carry on ! 

Caselda. 
They sat up and took notice, didn't they.^^ 

Aunt Amanda. 
Indeed they did! (Patting her arm affection- 
ately.) But, they'd have done that anyway — with- 
out all this — (She gestures toward the costume.) 

Caselda. 
(Shrugs.) 
Oh, they'll see the real "me" tomorrow. That'll 
serve to drive it in even stronger. Auntie, don't you 
see.'^ If I'd come in looking — well, as I always like 
to look — it might have made your Kipp's Falls "old 
maids" look drabber than ever — just by contrast. 



80 OLD MAIDS 



Aunt Amanda. 

(Nodding wisely.) 

I see ! 

Caselda. 

So I had to show them the comic valentine that 

every one of them has been unconsciously hanging 

on to, just to let them see liow ridiculous it is. 

At'nt Amanda. 
(Laughs.) 
It certainly was ridickerlous ! 

Caselda. 
Ridickerlous .'^ It is! And then some! Carry on.^ 
I did ! And I intend to ! 

Aunt Amanda. 

What, Caselda? 

Caselda. 

(Lifting her right hand, and with mock dramatic 

voice.) 

C a r r y o n ! 

(As the curtain is falling, she holds the attitude 
for an instant, then laughs, and, grabbing her aunty 
drags her, half r fuming, up stage.) 

Curtain. 



OLD MAIDS 



The Third Act. 

Scene: Alma's home, an evening two weeks later. 
A plainy old-fashioned room. There is an open- 
ing, leading to the entrance hall and stairs, in rear 
wall a little to the right of center. It is curtained 
hy portieres. A hat stand in the hall is visible 
whenever these are drazcn. In the left wall is a 
door leading to the dining-room. In right wall is 
a wide window, curtained icith lace curtains and 
portieres. A table with a cover is in upper right- 
hand corner between windoxv and door. It -also 
has a vase for flowers, and some magazines, etc. 
An upright piano is against rear ivall, left of door. 
Some other vases for floxcers are on top. There 
are some pictures on the walls, and the usual chairs 
scattered about. 

At Rise : Alivia, prettily dressed in something light 

and summery, is moving about the room, putting 

flowers in the vases and arranging things, singing 

softly to herself. She stops as if hearing a noise 

in the hallway rear. Goes to the portieres and 

looks off R. 

Alma. 

Oh, I'm so glad the train was on time. 

Chris. 
{In hall, hanging up his hat.) 
Yes, I got him all right. 

Chris enters through hangings. He is clean shaven 

and looks younger. 

81 



82 OLD MAIDS 



Chris. 
Come in a moment, Jasper. 

Enter Elwood from hall, holding his hat, and 
putting down his suitcase as he comes Into the room. 

Alma. 

.I'm so glad to see jou again. 

Elwood. 

{Holding her hand.) 

I was more than glad to be able to come. 

Chris. 

Come and I'll take you to your room. The others 

will be here soon. ^ 

Elwood. 

( Turning reluctantly.) 
I'll be down again as soon as I can. {He picks 
up the suitcase and follows Chris of Into hallway 
and L. Alma looks after them through doorway, as 
if looking upstairs. Then she comes down stage, 
again humming happily. Goes to window and ar- 
ranges curtains.) 

Chris re-enters from hallway. 
Chris. 
( Looking around. ) 
Flowers do make a difference, don't they.^^ 

Alma. 
Yes. Caselda and I got these this afternoon. 
Chris. 
{Musingly.) 
Caselda ! Funny ! You never would have thought 
of calling any of the others by their first names. 
Alma. 
{Laughs.) 
No, that's right. They all seemed too old. 



OLD MAIDS 83 

Chris. 

(Going to a chair and sitting.) 

Don't seem so old now. 

Alma. 

( Enthusiastically. ) 

No ! Isn't it wonderful ! 

Chris. 

How'd she do it.? . 

Alma. 

Oh, she just talked to 'em. And do you know, 
she went about it differently. You're always reading 
about women being advised to make themselves at- 
tractive and all that sort of thing, as if that was all 
— not a word about their minds. 
Chris. 

Has she been cultivating their minds.? 
Alma. 

I didn't mean that — that is — not the way you 
mean. But — well, while she did give all of us points 
about looks and all that, I think the biggest thing 
she made them change — was — she called it, their 
mental attitude toward themselves — and the men. 

Chris. 

(As if to himself.) 

So that accounts for it. 

Alma. 

For what. Fa? ^ 

Chris. 

Never mind. Something just crossed my mind. 
Go on. You were talking of mental attitudes. 
Alma. 

Yes. She talked about women realizing they were 
just as important — or could be — as men. And that 
just because they hadn't a lot of attentions didn't 



84 OLD MAIDS 



mean tliat tliey had to act — or think — Hke blighted 

beinejs. 

Chris. 

I see. . . 

Alma. 

She said — there were always a certain number of 
men who nmuldn't marry, and as a natural conse- 
quence, every man wlio won't means a woman who 

can't. ^ 

Chris. 

Guess that's true. , 

Alma. 

And then she said it was just plain silly for those 
women to let other people look on them as unhappy 
or disappointed, and as if tliey were just crazy to 
have what they hadn't got. So the best way was to 
go ahead as if men were just people, and find some- 
thing to do. Get busy. 

Chris. 
{Lazily.) 

Sounds energetic. 

"^ Alma. 

{Seriously.) 

But the most important thing she said was that 

a woman had better stay single forever, rather than 

deliberately do— wliat we were planning to let me do. 

Chris. 

{Alert.) 

What's that.^ {He gives this line, not as if asking 

what the thing is, but as if he had not heard — with 

an upward inflection.) 

Alma. 

Planning to marry a man like Henry. I'm going 

to break it off. Pa. ^ 

Chris. 

{Shrewdly.) 

Jasper Elwood got anything to do with that.? 



OLD MAIDS 85 



Alma. 
(Slowli^.) 
I — don't — think — so. I mean — I'd do it anyway. 
If I can be like Caselda Brown at forty, and single, 
I'm not afraid of even this old place. 

Chris. 

(Rising, as if thinking, and crossing to table. 
Picks up a magazine and pretends to be interested. 
Alma goes to the piano and arranges things. Brief 
pause. ) 

I suppose — Miss Emma — has been absorbing a lot 

of this. . 

Alma. 

(Turning to face him.) 
Miss Emma.? Oh, yes, of course — though I think 
she needed it less than the others — except her dress- 
ing. She never seemed bothered much about being 
called an old maid. (Teasingly.) Think a lot of 

her, don't vou. Pa ? 

'' Chris. 

(Clears his throat.) 

H'm — well — we've always been just good friends. 

I just never happened to think about it much. But 

your friend Caselda's started a whole bunch of things. 

You never can tell. 

Alma. 

( Laughing. ) 
And Miss Miranda — who always seemed to be pre- 
tending to hate men — well, it was real. I don't mean 
hating 'em, but just not caring at all. And now — 
she seems to sort of feel herself justified. And now 
that Jed's making eyes at her — 

Chris. 
(Interrupting.) 
Jed ! Good gracious ! 



86 OLD MAIDS 



Alma. 
( Laughing. ) 
It's too funny, Pa. „ 

l^HRIS. 

{Looking out xdndow.) 
I think that's Henry coming up the path. 
Alma. 
{Hastily.) 
Oh, I must see him alone. Do go upstairs, Pa, 
and keep Mr. Elwoocl for just a few minutes. 
Chris. 
All right. I'll sneak. 

Alma. 
Pa, I don't believe you like Hen any more than I 
do. {A hell rings.) q^^^^ 

{ Grinning. ) 
Can't say I do. 

{He exits quickly, into hall and L. Alma follows 
and turns R. Her voice and Henry's are heard off- 
stage). 

Henry and Alma enter. Henry is just as in the 
Second Act, with the same complacent, self -satisfied 
superiority. He precedes Alma into the room. 
Henry. 
That feller Elwood come 3'et.^ 

Alma. 
Yes, Pa met him. Came last train. 
Henry. 

Where is he.'^ . 

Alma. 

Oh, he's upstairs. Be down in a few minutes. 

Henry. 

{Going to her and trying to put his arm around her.) 

My, Alma, you look awful nice. 



OLD MAIDS 87 



Alma. 
{Freeing herself.) 
Oh, Henry, don't ! I've told you — 

Henry. 
( Grinning. ) 
Yeh! You told me! S'pose I'm listening? Women 
never know their own minds anyway. (He tries 

«^«^^-) Alma. 

(Impatiently.) 
Henry, stop it ! I do7i't want to say anything 
horrid, but you'll make me. 
Henry. 
(Approvingly.) 
That's it. I always like 'em with a little snap to 
'em. Makes 'em more worth taming. 

Alma. 
(Gasps.) 
What! (Then turning away with a shrug.) Oh, 
you're impossible ! (The hell rings.) I must answer 
it. Maggie is fussing in the kitchen and I told her 
I'd attend to the door. (She exits rear and R. 
Henry wanders around sniffing at the flowers. Voices 
off', Alma, Mr. and Mrs. Bemus.) Go right in, Mr. 
Bemus. Henry's in there. We'll be right in. 

Enter Mr. Bemus. Alma and Mrs. Bemus cross 

in hallway from R. to L. Mrs. Bemus has on hat 

and coat. _, 

Bemus. 

Hello, Henry. How are you.^ 

Henry. 

Oh, same's usual. Same as usual. 

^, ,, , Bemus. 

That's good. 



88 OLD MAIDS 



Henry. 

How's the missus? ^ 

Bemus. 

All right. Went to take her hat off. 
Alma enters. 

Bemus. 
Seems to me we're gettin' gay these days. Two 
parties in a fortnight. Some doin's. 
Alma. 
Well, two strangers in town ought to account 

for it. T» 

Bemus. 

Two? 

Alma. 

Yes. Miss Brown — and Mr. Elwood. 

Enter Mrs. Bemus, minus her wrap and hat. She 
is dressed as in the Second Act. 

Bemus. 
Oh, yes. I was forgettin' that young feller. 

Henry. 
(Derisively.) 
Oh, ho ! He'd like to know he was forgotten. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
How do, Henry. 

(Mr. Bemus starts walking around looking at pic- 
tures, etc., his hands under his coat-tails.) 
Henry. 
How do, Mrs. Bemus. {Looking at her approv- 
ingly.) Well, you don't seem to have gone crazy 
like the rest of the women. 

Bemus. 
{Speaking to them over his shoulder, in matter-of- 
fact tones.) 
Wouldn't let her. 



OLD MAIDS 89 



Alma. 

You wouldn't. _, „ 

Mrs. iJEMus. 

I think it's positively indecent the way that woman 

from New York has turned this town topsy-turvy. 

Henry. 

That's riffht. 

^ Alma. 

Topsy-turvy! What do you mean.'* 

Mrs. Bemus. 

Well — all them old maids, that used to be so nice 

— and modest — and — sort of respectful to us married 

women — has begun to act as if they had husbands — 

quite uppity-like. 

Alma. 

(Reflectively.) 
Yes, I suppose they did have that attitude of — re- 
spect. I hadn't thought of it. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Well, I don't approve of their independence about 
it at all. 'Tain't modest. 

Alma. 

(Smiling.) 

I suppose it does take something out of the spice 

of being married not to be able to be superior 

about it. ,r T» 

Mrs. Bemus. 

(Suspiciously.) 

What do you mean? 

Henry. 
(Grinning.) 
Oh, Alma's trying to pretend she likes this "bach- 
elor maid" business. 



90 OLD MAIDS 



Mrs. Bemus. 
(Sniffing,) 
Bachelor maid ! Well, in my day we called 'em old 
maids, and old maids they staid. 

Alma. 
Yes — everybody saw to that! (Bell rings.) I'll 
go. (Exits rear and R.) 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Henry, I think she needs watching. 

Alma, Caselda and Aunt Amanda cross in hall- 
way, R. to L. „ 

Bemus. 

Sh! There's Miss Brown now. 

Henry. 
( Complacently. ) 
Oh, Alma's all right. She'll come 'round. Been 
trying to make me believe she don't want to git mar- 
ried. But I know women. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Well, everything in this town's changed. Where's 

Mr. Bellows tonight.? 

Henry. 

(Indifferently.) 

Guess he's with tins feller Elwood, 

Bemus. 
Seems ter me they take their time comin'. 

Henry. 

Oh, he's probably fixin' up to look pretty. 

Re-enter Alma. Aunt Amanda and Caselda fol- 
low. Aunt Ai^ianda's hair is hecomingly and softly 
arranged. She zvears a light gray or lavender dress 
of laxvn or silk, and looks very sxveet. Caselda has 



OLD MAIDS 91 



on a pretty summer dress, which is smart without 

beinsr elaborate. 

Henry. 

(Going to them airily — as a member of the family.) 

How do, Mis' Chase. How do, Miss Brown. 

(Alma looks annoyed, and turns away. Henry 

chats with Aunt Amanda and Caselda. Alma joins 

the Bemuses as Mr. Bemus is answering his wife, in 

the following dialogue.) 

Mrs. Bemus. 

{Aside to Mr. Bemus.) 

Jest look the way she's got Mis' Chase all fixed 

"P ' Bemus. 

{Dubiously.) 
I think she looks real nice. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
{Sniffing.) 
Nice! I don't think it's proper at her age! 

Alma. 
Why shouldn't she look nice, at any age.^^ {She 
turns back to Caselda.) 

(Aunt Amanda and Henry cross her and join the 
Bemuses.) ^^^^ 

Come here, Caselda, I want to show you some- 
thing. (Caselda and Alma walk a little R. as if to 
examine some flowers. Mrs. Bemus frequently eyes 
Aunt Amanda's hair and dress with disapproval.) 
Oh, Caselda, he did come ! 

Caselda. 
Why, of course. Had you any doubt .^^ 
Alma. 
{Laughing nervously.) 
Well, you know — I was almost afraid to hope he 
would come, but he's here now — upstairs. 



92 OLD MAIDS 



Caselda. 

I'm very glad, dear. (Looking at the others.) 

Henry doesn't seem disturbed. 

Alma. 

Henry ! Nothing penetrates his self-satisfaction. 

(Caselda laughs.) To think that I could ever have 

thoufi^ht it possible. ^ 

^ ^ Caselda. 

He thought he was conferring a favor — keeping 

you out of the old-maid class. 

Alma. 

Well, he's going to take his favor back — / don't 

want it. r^ 

Caselda. 

Think you can make him see it? 

Alma. 
He's got to. (Bell rings.) Wait. I must answer 
it. (She goes up and exits rear and /?., zvhile 
Caselda walks to group.) 

Caselda. 
(To Henry.) 
Alma says Mr. Elwood has arrived. How is he? 

Henry. 
Ain't seen him yet. (With deep scorn.) I bet 
he even stopped to take a bath. 
Caselda. 
(Amused.) 
You don't say ! j^^^^ 

(Speaks off-stage.) 
Go right on in, Mr. Hopkins. You know every- 
one. 

Enter Jed. He is a trifle more ''finicky'' in ap- 
pearance than in the Second Act. Alma, jNIiranda 
and Sarah cross in hallway from R. to L. 



OLD MAIDS 93 



Jed. 
Evening, folks. 

Aunt Amanda. 
How do, Jed. My, don't you look fine. (Jed 
looks sheepishly pleased.) 

Mrs. Bemus. 
(Sniffs.) 
I dunno what's come over everybody. (Jed and 
Mr. Bemus shake hands while Caselda, after a nod 
to Jed, continues to talk with Henry.) 
Caselda. 
You seem rather peeved with Mr. Elwood ! 

Henry. 

Peeved? Naw ! Them city guys just make me 
tired, that's all. 

Re-enter Alma, with Miranda and Sarah. Both 
women are dressed in appropriate and attractive 
summer muslin or silk, with hair becomingly ar- 
ranged. They look nearer Caselda's age now, 
though as the time has been short they have not yet 
acquired her natural manner of youth and self -con- 
fidence. Noticing their appearance, Mrs. Bemus 
turns and speaks, in dumb show, to her husband, with 
apparent disapproval. Jed moves up toward Mir- 
anda. Aunt Amanda turns to Caselda. Henry 
joi7is the Bemuses. 

(Note: It is to be remembered, in staging these 

arrivals, that these people see each other practically 

every day, so, with the exception of Elwood, they 

are more casual than they would be in more formal 

circles.) ^ 

^ Caselda. 

Hello, girls ! How nice you look ! 



94 OLD MAIDS 



Henry. 

(Derisively, to Mrs. Bemus.) 
Girls! D'ye get that? 

Miranda. 
(With a sigh, to Caselda.) 
Still, it does take time to fuss. * 

Worth it, though. 
(He and Miranda speak to Aunt Amanda.) 

Sarah. 

(To Caselda and Alma.) 

Is mv hair right? 

Caselda. 

(Putting her hand up to Sarah's hair and pushing 

in a hair pin.) 

There! Yes, it looks lovely. 

Alma. 

(Looking at Miranda and Jed.) 

Funny, isn't it? I don't think he's ever looked at 

her before. ^ 

Caselda. 

Well, he's looking at her now, certainly. 

Sarah. 
And do you know, it just worries her most to 
death. (Aunt Amanda joins them. Sarah speaks 
to her.) Did things go all right after I left today? 

Aunt Amanda. 
Oh, yes. (To Alma.) It's just wonderful the 
change Caselda's made in the store. And now that 
I'm going to have Sarah there — 

Alma. 
(Interrupting.) 
Oh, won't that be fine! 



OLD MAIDS 95 



Sarah. 
Yes. Caselda thinks I can do something with my 
crocheting, now that she's taught me that new filet 
work. 

Enter Chris and Elwood from hallway. 

Chris. 

Good-evening, everybody. I'm sorry not to have 

been in sooner. You all met Mr. Elwood when he 

was here before, didn't you.^ 

(General greetings, as Elwood goes the rounds, 

shaking hands. He ends up with Alma and Caselda 

while Henry watches. Chris joins the others.) 

Elwood. 

{^To Caselda.) 

I see you won. 

Alma. 

They do look better, don't they? 

Elw^ood. 

Never would have known 'em. 

Chris. 

{To Sarah.) 

Where's Miss Nelson? 

Caselda. 

{Aside to Alma.) 

Hear that? ^^^^ 

{Smiling.) 
It's not the first time, either. {Bell rings.) Ex- 

^^s^ "^^- Chris. 

{Quickie/.) 
I'll go. {Exits rear and R.) 
Alma. 
{To Caselda and Elwood.) 
I'll have to go to help them with their wraps. 



96 OLD MAIDS 



(Chris crosses rear with Emma and Abby. Alma 
goes up and off, L., zMle Chris returns at once.) 

Elwood. 
Well, Miss Brown, your little joke of a fortnight 
ago seems to have borne fruit. What happened when 
they found out? Caselda. 

(Laughs,) 
They were much too astonished to be polite, and 
Mrs. Bemus was furious. 

Elwood. 

What.? 

Caselda. 

Yes. She seems to resent my not being what I 

looked that niejht. „ 

^ Elwood. 

And the others? ^, 

Laselda. 

From the results I should say it set them thinking. 

Re-enter Alma with Emma and Abby. The same 

changes noted in the others have taken place here. 

The greetings are again general, Chris being the 

first to greet them, and staying around as they come 

down. ^ 

Emma. 

{To Elwood, when he is reached in their greeting.) 

So you've come back to Kipp's Falls. Folks don't 

often do that. „ 

Elwood. 

I wonder why. Strikes me as being a pretty nice 

place. ^ 

^ Chris. 

I think it is. 

(Chris, Emma and Abby join a group composed 
of Alma and Henry. Aunt Amanda, Jed, Miranda, 
Sarah and the Bemuses compose another group.) 



OLD MAIDS 97 



Elwood. 
(To Caselda.) 
You spoke of results. Are there others besides 
the general appearance of things? 
Caselda. 
Yes, indeed. They have discovered the great pan- 
acea — work that pays. And independence ha« made 
them— Elwood. 

(As if continuing her sentence.) 
Independent of us.^ 

Caselda. 
(Laughs.) 
In a way, I suppose. However, in this town it's 
a good thing. 

(Alma and Henry come down and join them.) 

Elwood. 

(To Caselda, as the others join them.) 

I believe you. . 

-^ Alma. 

What do you believe.^ 

Elwood. 

That independence for women is a good thing in 

this town. TT 

Henry. 

Think so, do you? Well, guess again. Things 

were a whole lot better in this place before all the 

old hens ffot ideas. 

Alma. 

Yes, it's too bad. It took away some of T^our im- 
portance. Caselda. 

(With gentle sarcasm.) 
Could that be done? 

Henry. 
Men are meant to be superior, and I'll prove it. 
You think they're independent. Well, just watch 



98 OLD MAIDS 



me. Miss Abby never could resist any kind of a 
man. I'll show you right now. 
Alma. 
(Disgusted.) 

^^ • Caselda. 

(Still gently.) 

You mean — you're going to fascinate her.'^ 

Elwood. 

( Grinning. ) 

That'll be nice. ^x 

Henry. 

Yes ; riffht now. „ 

° Caselda. 

( With a look at Alma.) 

All right. 

^ Elwood. 

Go to it. 

(Henry, pulling up his collar and arranging his 
tie, crosses to the group where Abby is. Caselda, 
Elwood and Alma watch. The other groups con- 
tinue talking, not noticing.) 
Henry. 

(To Abby, gallantly, as he draws out a chair.) 

Let's sit here. . 

Abby. 

(A trifle surprised, hut not excited, takes the chair 

while he draws up another one.) 

Why, did you want to talk to me? (Henry is 

seated so he is facing Caselda'* group, while Abby's 

chair is turned slightly so that she is facing front.) 

Henry. 

In a way. I thought you might like to talk to me. 

Abby. 

(Politely.) 

Oh, I don't miftd. 



OLD MAIDS 99 



Henry. 

Of course not. . 

Abby. 

Well — anything in particular you want me to talk 

about ? T-r 

Henry. 

H'm — no — no ! Only just thought it'd be nicer for 
you to have a man to talk to. 
Abby. 
{Seems to get the idea.) 
Oh! Yes, it is — sometimes. 

Caselda. 
{To the other two.) 
Doesn't seem to be getting on very rapidly ! {They 
smile appreciatively.) 

Henry. 
Yes. {Looks up and notices the amused grins on 
the faces of the three who heard his boast. He pulls 
up, realizing he is not getting on so well. Then, with 
an 'Til show 'em'' air.) Having a grand time, ain't 
you, Miss Abby? 

x\BBY. 

Henry. 
I said, you're having a nice time, ain't you.'* 
Abby. 
{Puzzled.) 
Nice time.? Why, yes. Not excitin', though — just 
the same folks I saw 'most all day. 
Henry. 
{Fatuously.) 
You didn't see me today. 
Abby. 
Didn't I.? Lemme see. Mebbe I didn't. Not that 
it matters. I've been so awful busy I forget who I 



100 OLD MAIDS 



do see, unless it's important. (The foregoing is not 
spoken with any rude intention. She is referring to 
her own plans and those people important to them.) 

Henry. 

I thought you old — I mean, I thought you never 

let a man ffet by. . 

^ -^ Abby. 

A man! (She looks at him a moment, theri seems 

to ''catch on.'') Oh, you mean — you. (She laughs.) 

My gracious — Henry Perkins! (Laughs again.) I 

ain't thought of you or anybody else in this town 

for 'most a week. ^^ 

Henry. 

No? . 

Abby. 

No. Didn't you know.^ I'm goin' to New York. 

Henry. 

To New York.^ . 

Abby. 

Yes. With Caselda. 

Henry. 

Wiiat on earth for.^ 

Abby. 

It's all Caselda's idea. She talked it over with 

Miss Pike. -r^ 

Henry. 

The dressmaker? . 

Abby. 

Yes. I'm goin' to New York to study dress- 
makin' and designin'. I'm going to send designs 
and things to Miss Pike. We're goin' to be part- 
ners. I got a little money saved up — and this ain't 
a poor town. I think it'll pay. 

Henry. 

(Who has been gradually wilting.) 
Oh! 



OLD MAIDS 101 



Abby. 

We'll be makin' Alma's weddin' dress accordin' to 

the latest New York fashions. {The three listeners 

cross to fhevi.) _, 

Henry, 

I can't make her say when it'll be. 

Abby. 
To you? Why, I tliought she was breakin' it off. 

Henry. 

Oh, she says so. . 

^ A1.MA. 

And she means it. 

(Abby rises and joins Caselda and Elwood. 

Thei/ move a trifle up stage.) 

Henry. 

(Grabbing Alma's arm.) 
Oh, quit your fooling! 

Alma. 
I mean it, Henry Perkins. Oh, I know I'm not 
breaking your heart. You're too self-satisfied to 
have one. Henry. 

{Sneering.) 
Going to marry Elwood, perhaps. 

Alma. 
I don't know what that has to do with it. 

Chris. 

{Calling to her.) 

Oh, Alma! Isn't it about time for something to 

eat? . 

Alma. 

Yes, Pa. Will you come right back to the din- 
ing-room, everybody? You lead the way, Pa? 



102 OLD MAIDS 



Chris. 

(Holding his arm out to Emma.) 

All right. Will you come, Miss Nelson? 

Emma. 

I do feel hunsrv. ^ 

^ -^ Chris. 

That's good. 

(They edit through L. door, followed by the oth- 
ers, all chatting. The stage is empty an instant, 
while voices are heard laughing and talking off stage 
through this door, which is left open. Re-enter Mrs. 
Bemus, looking around as if for something. Does 
not find it and starts to door again, lohen she meets 

Caselda cominp' in.) ^ 

^ ^ Caselda. 

(Closing the door. The voices stop.) 

Do you mind waiting just a moment, Mrs. Be- 

"^"•'•^ Mrs. Bemus. 

Did you want to speak to me.^ (They come down.) 

Caselda. 
Only for a moment. I hope you'll forgive me, 
but I could not help but notice how 3^ou have seemed 
to resent the change in some of the women here. And 
I wondered if you understood. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
Understood ! I think they've gone daffy ! 

Caselda. 
They seem happy, don't they.? 
Mrs. Bemus. 
(Sniffs.) 

H^PPy' Caselda. 

(With a little sternness.) 
Mrs. Bemus, I knew you didn't understand — and — 
(more kindly) I'm sure if you did — if you saw your 



OLD MAIDS 103 



attitude, the attitude of a lot of married women, 
especially in small places, you would change it. 
Mrs. Bemus. 
(Restlessly.) 
Attitude? What d'ye mean? — attitude? 

Caselda. 
Toward the other women, the unmarried ones of 
your own age. jy^^g Bemus. 

(Stares.) 
I don't know what you mean. 
Caselda. 
I know you don't. And yet you married women arc 
often responsible for the situation I found my old 
friends in. You begin by looking down on them 
with a sort of contemptuous pity because they 
haven't annexed a man, and the men follow suit. 
You like the sense of the superiority it gives you — 
and your resentment over their happiness without 
husbands proves the point. You're losing something 
of your self-built throne. 

Mrs. Bemus. 
(Bewildered.) 

What? ^ 

Caselda. 

Oh, I know I'm talking over your head. I apolo- 
gize. But this you can understand; you begin to 
despise us a trifle too early. 

Mrs. Bemus. 

Too early? Caselda. 

(Smiling.) 

Yes. Wait till we're ninety. Now come back and 

eat. (Laughing, she goes out at door L., followed 

by Mrs. Bemus, shaking her head. They leave the 



104 OLD MAIDS 



door open so that laughing and talking are heard 
again for a moment.) 

Enter Elwood. Looks around^ then turns and 
beckons. Enter Alma. 

Elwood. 
No one lierc. (Alma closes door. The voices stop. 
She and Elwood go C.) I don't want to wait till 
morning, and I've had no chance since I came. I 
hoped you'-d come to the train. 
Alma. 
{Shyly.) 
But — Pa would have been with me. 
Elwood. 
{Taking her hands.) 
You know why I came back. You had mj letter.? 
Alma. 
(Looks down.) 

^^^^- Elwood. 

(Softly.) 

Did vou mind? 

Alma. 

(Hesitates, then whispers.) 

No. 

Elwood. 

Alma! (He takes her quickly in his arms. Some- 
one starts to open the door and the voices are heard. 
They jump apart quickly. Alma pretends to be in- 
terested at the piano, Elwood strolls to the zmi- 
doiiD. ) 

The rest of the party enter. Caselda goes to 
Alma, xvho whispers to her. They embrace, then 
cross to Elwood. The others break up into chat- 
ting groups. Jed keeps near Miranda, and Chris 
to Emma. 



OLD MAIDS 105 



Caselda. 
Alma has told me. Congratulations, Jasper. 

Elwood. 
Thank you. Caselda. 

{To Alma, teasingly.) 
You see, Kipp's Falls isn't so bad. 

Elwood. 
{Heartily.) 
The women are all right. 

Caselda. 

You bet we are! ^ 

Elwood. 

{Teasingly.) 

Oh, you. You had to go out to get a husband, 

while Alma drew one all the way here. A little bird 

told me in New York. 

Caselda. 

{Laughing.) 

Right you are! ^^^^^ 

Caselda Brown! What does he mean.? Have you 
been married all this time.? 

Caselda. 
No, no! I'm a "quite on the level" old maid^as 
yet. Alma. 

{Joyfully.) 
Oh! But you're engaged! (Caselda nods hap- 
pily. Alma hugs her.) Long time.? 
Caselda. 
Few months before I came here. 
Alma. 

Where is he.? -^ 

Caselda. 

In Canada — on business. 



106 OLD MAIDS 



Alma. 

New York man? „ 

Caselda. 

{Mysteriously.) 
That's where I met him. 

Alma. 
Where does he come from? 
Caselda. 
(Looks around, then whispers.) 
Kipp's Falls. 

Alma and Elwood. 
What? (Caselda nods.) 

Alma. 
You don't mean it! Do I know him? 

Caselda. 
Know old Judge Cogsworth? 

Alma. 

Yes. It isn't — ™ 

Caselda. 

His son, Dr. Cogsworth. 

Alma. 
(To Elwood, much interested.) 
He left here to take up research work at Rockefel- 
ler Institute — oh, when I was in mj teens. 
Caselda. 
(Laughing, to Elwood.) 
So you see Alma and I are even. She drew a 
man all the way from New York, while I drew one 
the same distance to New York from my old home 
town. Queer world, isn't it? 

Aunt Amanda. 
(From her group.) 
Caselda! Mrs. Bemus was askin' just when you're 
goin' back to New York. 



OLD MAIDS 107 



Caselda. 
(Smiling, to Alma arid Elwood.) 
She would! (To the others.) Abby and I plan to 
leave day after tomorrow. 

Bemus. 
Oh, is Miss Abby goin'? 

Abby. 
Yes. Ain't that fine.? 

Caselda. 
(To Henry.) 
So you see, Mr. Perkins, Kipp's Falls will bo lack- 
ing two of its old maids. 

Jed. 
(Smirking at INIiranda.) 
Mebbe more. Miranda. 

(QuicHy.) 
Who says so.'^ j.^^^ 

(Flnsterecl.) 
Well, there's you and — (looking at Chris and 
Emma) Miss Nelson — and — (he glances toward 

^^^^«)- Sarah. 

(Quickly interrupting.) 
You needn't look at me, Jed Hopkins. I'm safe. 

Jed. 

Oh, I dunno. There's Doc Whittle at the drug 

store — and — _ 

Sarah. 

(Severely, interrupting again.) 

That's enough for you, Jed Hopkins. I guess I 

ain't goin' to be botherin' with any o' them old 

^«'^«^1«- Caselda. 

(Laughs.) 
That's right, Sally, old girl. (General smiles. 



108 OLD AlAIDS 



except for a sniff from Mrs. Bemus.) There isn't 
any such animal as an old maid, anyway. She went 
out w^th the nineteenth century. ( With mock so- 
lemnity.) Peace to her ashes. Amen. {Teasingly, to 
Mrs. Bemi'S.) Eh, Mrs. Bemus? {General laugh as 
Mrs. Bemus sniffs for the last time,) 



Curtain. 



Betty's Last Bet 

BY 

Edith Ellis 

A FARCE-COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females. 
Time, 2i^ hours. Scene: 1 interior. 

CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Darling ...Witli Four Great Problems 

I^itty Her Eldest Daughter 

Peggy Her Second 

Dolly '.V.'.'.'.V.V.'.'.'.".'.'.'. .' Her Third 

Betty Her Fourth 

Hannah A Man-hating Servant 

Richard Wentworth Their Wealthy Neighbor 

Percy Wentworth His Nephew and Ward 

Jack Van Loon Of the Historic Van Loons 

Hamilton Moriarity A Rising Young Legislator 

Edgar Darling A Student of Archaeology 

Betty's propensity for wagering keeps her in hot 
water, and her mother and sisters, too. Mrs. Darling 
is struggling bravely to promote matches for the other 
girls when Betty, expelled from boarding school, re- 
turns home disgraced but unabashed. And straight- 
way she makes her last bet— and her greatest one— 
with a likeable but unintroduced young man. He wa- 
gers that he can successfully impersonate a distant 
cousin, and get all the sisters engaged within twenty- 
four hours. Three kisses are the stakes. Betty's last 
bet incites an amazing train of complications, and 
when she loses the bet, she loses her heart as well. 
This author has a fine record of professional stage 
successes to her credit, and BETTY'S LAST BET 
is built from the same rich fund of lines and situations. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of twenty dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



Mary's Millions 

BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

A RURAL COMEDY in 3 acts; 5 males, 6 females, 
extras optional. Time, 2 hours. Scenes: 1 interior, 
1 exterior. 

CHARACTERS. 

Jack Henderson A Civil Engineer 

Jimmie Barnes His Friend from New York 

Ezra Stoneham The Village Storekeeper 

Abi ja Boggs A Human Flivver 

Victor de Selles An Imported Product 

Jane Stoneham Ezra's Better Half 

Eudora Smith The Stoneham's Hired Girl 

Lola de Selles Victor's Sister 

Mrs. Mudge Wedded to Her Ouija Board 

Betty Barlow.... A Country School Teacher 

Mary Manners An Heiress to Millions 

Members of the Choir. 

"When I go after a side partner, she's going to be 
a live-wire lady. No corn-fed beauties for mine." 
"Say — honest — is there anybody in this one-horse town 
that has a million dollars?" "I've read books, I have, 
about them slick rascals from the city." "Waitin' 
for the mail? Looks more like waitin' for the female." 
"More city folks, I'll bet a doughnut." "I believe in 
sperrits, but I ain't seen none sense the country went 
dry." "Stop scratchin'! Ain't you got no company 
manners?" "He looks like a head waiter and he 
talks like a bottle of seltzer." /'All foreign wild ani- 
mals looks alike to me." "The greatest doin's since 
the mill dam busted." "What's been swiped an' who 
done it?" "Any clues? No. all genuine pearls." "She 
has chain lightning slowed down like the rural free 
delivery." "I foller the deeductive method. I don't 
take no clues off no Fiji board!" "Boy, I sure do 
hate to take you, but I reckon I got to." "Funny 
what a difference just a few millions make." "The 
third degree trimmed with hayseed." "Eudory, you 
say the durndest things!" 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur 
performance . Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



r 



Assisted By Sadie 



A 



BY 

Walter Ben Hare 

COMEDY of mystery, in 4 acts; 6 males, 6 females. 
Time, 2i^ hours. Scenes: 2 easy interiors. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Alonzo Dow The Mysterious Clubman 

Cameron The Clever Detective 

Bunch The Slangy Bellboy 

Dr. Beedle The Old Professor 

Colonel Jenniver The Puzzled Hotel Manager 

Mr. Null The Young Millionaire 

Sadie The Stenographer 

Harriet The Society Girl 

Senora Gonzales The Fascinator 

Mrs. C. Christopher Carley The Peppery Dowager 

Vicky , ... The Debutante 

Mrs. Quinn The Maid 

This is a swiftly moving ingenious comedy of adven- 
ture, sparkling with humor and replete with mystery. 
Excitement, laughter and a mounting tensity of emo- 
tion are blended with the charm of a delightful style. 
A $20,000 pearl necklace is stolen at a large seaside 
hotel. This is followed by other crimes until the detec- 
tives and incidentally the audience find themselves in 
a maze of intrigue and mystery from which they are 
not extricated until the final curtain and then only 
with the assistance of Sadie. Into the pervading 
comedy scenes are blended pathos, serious action and 
incident until the audience wonders what will happen 
next. The twelve characters are about equally bal- 
anced. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty often dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents. 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



Whose Little Bride Are You? 

BY 

Edith Ellis 

A FARCE Comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. 
Time, 2i^ hours. Scene: 1 handsomely furnished 
living room. This play was written by the author 
of "Mary Jane's Pa" and other nation-wide successes. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
Dr. Benjamin Bellows. A Sentimental Retired Physician 
Algernon Clawhammer. . .His Prospective Son-In-Law 

Augustus May His Butler 

Simeon Singleton His Old Friend 

George Tobin His Prospective Step-Son 

Florence Bellows His Charming Daughter 

Mrs. MacEckron His Neighbor 

Dolly MacEckron Her Daughter 

Maggie Brady The Maid 

Mrs. Amelia Tobin The Bride-To-Be 

At the beginning one potential bride is visible; be- 
fore the final curtain tlie woods, so to speak, are full 
of them. The brides range in assortment from the 
little flapper not yet out of her teens, to the seasoned 
200-pound campaigner who has worn the orange blos- 
soms no less than four times. Matrimonial pairing 
proceeds even to the butler and the housemaid. Mis- 
taken identity furnishes an unusual measure of com- 
plications until it actually becomes a problem as to 
whicli little bride is which, or who. Plot, situations 
and dialogue dovetail perfectly. The incidents are as 
humorous and rapid-fire as ever went into a play. It 
is especially adapted to amateurs, the parts being so 
vividly characterized and the action so continuous that 
the piece virtually carries itself. 

Professio7ial stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur 
performance . Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



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Plays for Schools and Colleges 

THE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN 

By Charles Ulrlch. Comedy in 3 acts; 12 males. Time, 
2 hours. Price, 25 Cents. 

THE KINGDOM OF HEARTS CONTENT 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 12 fe- 
males. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

MACBETH A LA MODE 

By Walter Ben Hare. Burletta in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 
females. Time, 1^/4 hours. Price, 25 Cents. 

MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy-drama In 3 acts; 4 
males, 7 females. Time, 2^. hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

A POOR MARRIED MAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 4 males, 
4 females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

A PRAIRIE ROSE 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy-drama in 4 acts; 
7 males, 4 females. Time, ZVz hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

THE REAL THING AFTER ALL 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 7 males, 9 fe- 
males. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Ceni^i. 

RE-TAMING OF THE SHREW 

By John W. Postgate, Shakespearean travesty in 1 act; 
6 males, 5 females. Time. 45 minutes. Price, 25 Cents. 

RUTH IN A RUSH 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; S males, 7 fe- 
males. Time, 2^^ hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

SAVAGELAND 

By Walter Ben Hare. Musical comedy in 2 acts; 5 
males, 5 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 75 Cents. 

SING A SONG OF SENIORS 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedietta; 7 females. Time, 30 
minutes. Price, 26 Cents. 

STAR BRIGHT 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy-drama In 3 acts; 
6 males,. 5 females. Time, 2^^ hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

ZARAGUETA OR MONEY TALKS 

Translated from the Spanish by Clarence Stratton. 
Comedy in 2 acts; 7 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. 

Price, 35 Cents. 

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T-1021 



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